I long for answers....but I trust you.

Over the past 5 years, I've had an array of emotions over the death of a great friend of mine. Some days I've felt sadness...missing him. Some days I've felt anger...how could he take his own life?! And some days I've felt happiness...he isn't silently hurting anymore. There have been many confusing days as well. Confusing as in not understanding why this happened...why the closure hasn't come. Why the pain is still there...even though it has faded. In life, we may never get full answers. It's not only with situations as painful as this one is to me. We may not feel like we've gotten full answers to why certain things have happened or are happening to us. Or why we have prayed so hard for someone or something and it seems like nothing has changed. I've learned to accept the things I cannot change. To accept that Christ is in total control. I'm still learning how to lean on Him fully but I know that if I don't get answers right here, right now...that's okay. I serve a God who knows all. And I will continue to trust Him. My dear friend, Eric, struggled with a pain deeper than I've ever known. I don't know his full story or why he decided to do what he did. But I do know that he was very much loved by family & friends. Anyone who reads this: please talk to someone if you're hurting. There is hope in all situations. In all circumstances. Suicide is never the answer. And you are never alone.

Inevitable Change

I'll admit that I do not like change. A little here & there is fine but just like dipping my toes in the pool before getting in, that's how I feel about change. I like to take it slow. Inch my way into something new & different. There are some changes happening in my life right now. Changes that have pros & cons. A few changes that I have no control over. Some changes that make me smile...& some that make me want to cry. I have always been a full-time mommy but now I have my son every day. I absolutely LOVE this part. I get to see his smiling face every day now & it fills my heart with so much joy. My favorite little guy has a lot of changes going on in his life and I have to be strong for him. He will start Pre-K in a couple of weeks and, just like his mommy, he doesn't like change much either. That is why he has refused to move up in classes at church...he feels most comfortable in his last class setting. There is another more personal thing going on that we need prayer for but this is not the place to go into details. Another change for me that gives me mixed feelings is that one of my best friends is moving away. This man means so much to me. More than he'll ever know. I'm so proud of where he is going in life and how God is truly blessing him with a great career but my greedy self wants to keep him here because I'll miss seeing him. I'll miss being around him. (Thank God for FaceTime, texting & phone calls....& vehicles to help us travel.) A part of my heart is moving to Texas. When looking at all of these big changes, I can't help but wonder where God is leading us. Many thoughts of the past have come up lately...not out of fear or sadness but to bring about the wisdom I need to work through these changes. I hated the situations I was in & even seeing the situations that friends/family had been in that have brought about this wisdom but now I know why so much has happened. It was all to prepare me for the days to come. I thank God for the knowledge I need for this.