Changing My "Some Day" into "I'm Ready Now"

I believe I live a simple life. Routine life, for sure, but simple. My days are filled with work, motherhood, friends, serving at church, & housework. I'll be honest, I get bored sometimes and watch a bit too much Netflix to fill that time in. Life is not always fulfilling. And I do have unhappy times. But that doesn't mean I hate my life.

When I start to feel the downward pull of unhappiness, that's when I turn to either my journal or my drawings. This isn't something I share with the world. It's my own personal space. So, if I do share those things with someone, you better believe that person is a huge part of my inner world. When I put the pencil to paper, it's freeing. I don't keep a lot of it around for long though. Why hold on to something with so much emotion to dwell on?

I LOVE getting my camera out and capturing memories of the moment. Whether it be scenic, structural, family focused, or group of friends, my camera helps me to capture the moments that mean the most. Moments I can reflect on later in life and thank God for that specific time. It's truly a joy for me to snap shots here & there. It sets my soul on fire. Yet, with the busyness of life, this is a hobby I have neglected lately. It's time to bust out the 35mm that I love so much. (P.S. Yes, I said a 35mm Nikon & it's amazing. I like to keep it old school.)

There are things I am interested in pursuing. I'd love to learn how to make pottery & sculpt my own creations out of clay. I'd love to have my own dark room so I could develop my own photos. I want to take creative writing classes to better my writing hobby. Maybe even take a few art classes to perfect my own drawings. I'd love to learn more about antiquing furniture & making my own soaps or candles. I also love to learn more about dance....& maybe even run another marathon someday (because the Color Run a few years ago was a blast even though my body hurt for a week). My mind is flooding with all sorts of ideas. I need to change my "some day" into "now I'm ready".

But it doesn't end there. My "Life List" (aka "Bucket List" to some) is ever changing & growing. And at times it feels overwhelming but it's my list. And I plan to do everything on it.

Life is full of opportunities. Take advantage of those and live life. The sky is the limit. Don't let life get so busy that you forget about your zest for life. I'm convinced that Satan tries to make your life busy so you won't actually live. We are meant for so much more.

Life can get a bit hectic at times. But that doesn't mean we should ignore our passions.

Bittersweet Moments in Parenting

"Go get 'em, baby! You can do this!" was what I shouted to my 7 year old son as he hit the ball field last week for a tball game. What I didn't expect was him coming back to me with a look of anger & telling me quietly "Mom, don't call me baby anymore. That's embarrassing!" Talk about ripping my heart out & crushing it. Geez. My little boy is growing up.

I knew this day was coming but I didn't know it would happen so soon. I understand what my mom has always said about "if you blink, they grow up" now. I'm not ready. Or at least, I don't think I'm ready. I don't want to be ready. I want my son to snuggle up next to me to read bedtime stories, to ask me to sing to him at bedtime, to give me hugs in front of his friends, and Eskimo kisses before he drifts off to sleep at night. I don't want him to grow up. But no matter what age he turns, he'll always be my baby.

This morning I was hit with another "that's embarrassing, mom" moment. I was dropping him off at summer camp and while we were walking up to the door, I put my arm around him for a little squeeze of a hug. He giggled and said "Mom! Don't do that. That's embarrassing." So, I stopped him in the walkway up to the door & got on his level and said "Buddy, you're only little for so long. Please let me enjoy every little hug I can get. You're growing up so fast." He then wrapped his arms around my neck and said "I love you, mom. I'll always be your baby. Don't worry about that. You can hug me & kiss me in the car." I'd be lying if I said I didn't get teary-eyed. Thankfully, he gave me one last hug in front of his friends after I signed him in.

My little boy is growing up. I can't keep him little forever.....but I can continue to pray for & with him daily that God will continue to bless him as he learns to walk in His ways, as he learns how to be more independent. It is written in Proverbs 22:6 "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it." I believe that I've been able to direct him well and now giving him a little more space may be good for him...for me even. But in the end, we'll always be close. We'll always be a team. We'll always have each other's backs.

Seeing as just last summer he was still trying to follow me as I left daycare or that he was hiding under tables because he didn't want to be there......he's come a long way. I'm proud of the young man he is becoming. He's smart, super funny/witty, loving & kind.....he's becoming a gentleman and insists on holding doors open for others. He insists on holding hands to pray before meals at home also. Again, tears fill my eyes at the thoughts of these beautiful moments I get to share with my son. And it makes me proud of my parents for instilling these lessons into my life so that I could share with him.

Connection: The Desire for Unity

I enjoy reading. I don't do it as much as I used to nor as much as I'd like to because...well...life! I could make up all sorts of excuses but I won't do that today. I've been reading "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman off and on for the past few months on my lunch break at work. It is one of my all-time favorite books and I highly recommend EVERYONE to read it...at least once in your lifetime. Every time I read it, I gain new perspective. Things stand out to me more one day than another. It all depends on where I'm at in life and what mindset I take as I dive into the pages for the day.

Today, I read some pages that really made me think. When I opened the book today, I went in thinking "what am I going to read about that will help me become more aware of those around me and their love languages? How can I make someone feel loved today?" I didn't know that it would make me take a deeper look at my dating life (which I've put on the back burner lately because I feel that I need "me" time right now...for spiritual & personal growth). The chapter was titled "Dating Relationships: Should Love Lead to Marriage?".

***Note: this may sound a little like a book report but these are the notes in this chapter alone that stood out to me and I'll probably go back to this blog to refresh my memory in a few months.***

As a single person, ask yourself why you are dating.  Are you dating because you want companionship? Sex? Love? Social acceptance? Security? All of those things are great and wonderful but the purpose of marriage runs deeper than that. It is written in the Bible that "It is not good for the man to be alone." So, God made woman. One of humanity's deepest needs/desires is a union of life with another. We desire connection. Gary Chapman wrote "The supreme purpose of marriage is the union of a man and woman at the deepest possible level and in all areas of life, which in turn brings the greatest possible sense of fulfillment to the couple and best serves the purposes of God for their lives."

What is your goal in getting married/your marriage? There are basic areas of your life that you should examine before getting married, according to this book. Intellectual unity, Social unity, Emotional unity, Spiritual unity, and Physical unity.

Intellectual unity....books you read, read the newspaper regularly, magazines, TV shows you watch & amount of education you both have. You should be able to communicate on the same intellectual levels.
Social unity....sports fans, musical interests, recreational activities....social growth ought to begin before marriage. Discuss your self-concept as compared with how you appear to others with your partner.
Emotional unity....this one stood out to me in a big way....feeling loved, respected, and appreciated. Dr. Chapman wrote "To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities, and personality. Appreciation is the inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship." Respect begins with attitude and means that you give the other person freedom to be an individual. I've seen others lose themselves in relationships and then their relationship ends and they are struggling to find their own identity again.
Spiritual unity....this is more than "we go to church together." This is more than your 'church membership' or that you serve every Sunday. This is spiritual growth together. Spiritual foundations are important because they influence all areas of life and unity!
Physical unity....a good reminder that 'sexual intercourse does not create intimacy'. Dr. Chapman points out that 'sex outside of marriage often sidetracks the process of building intimacy and becomes itself a source of great pain physically and emotionally.'

Lastly, Dealing with Scars....the last portion of this chapter that spoke to me on a deeper level this time than it ever had before. When dealing with your scars remember that marriage has no closets for skeletons. The past cannot be changed. Trust your partner to accept you as you are, not as he/she might wish you were. The points Dr. Chapman brought up may hit you hard. Face it and deal with it. If you want total unity in a marriage, "making a wise decision about whom you marry is the first step in lifelong, satisfying marriage."

Now...the time to get real and raw with you. After reading this chapter, I'm happy with my decision to focus on me right now. There are still areas that I need to grow in and I don't know how long that will be but I need to face some things and deal with them. And I'm okay with that. To be able to give my best, I want/need to be at my best. And I'm not there right now. But I do believe God is working in me. I do believe that He is preparing me for something so much greater than I could EVER imagine! And that puts an excitement into my soul. Even though God has not revealed whom He intends for me to be with, I will continue to pray for him each day...prayers of strength, growth, pursuit of God, safety, and blessings.

God bless you all!

Acceptance: What 2016 Will Hold

For the past 2 years, I have prayed around Christmas time for one word that will stand out to me for the next year. In 2014, that word was "focus" and I gained new perspective that year. In 2015, the word was "confidence" and I truly believe this past year helped build my confidence up with all of the ups & downs that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I can only say that 2015 has been a year that I want to move past. It wasn't a great year but it was most definitely a year full of eye-opening events that helped me know myself better and helped me grow. I read many of my friends' Facebook posts saying that they are glad 2015 is over as well. I'm right there with ya, peeps!

About a month ago, a word came to me. I've prayed over this word many times and there is no doubt in my mind that 2016 will be a year of growth. My word for 2016 is "Acceptance". The verse that sticks out the most to me to go with my word is Proverbs 19:20 (NIV) "Listen to advice & accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future." For those who speak truth into my life, my mentors, family, and friends, I will listen carefully & intentionally. And I thank you in advance for helping me become a better person each day. I am open to new adventures as I explore new depths.

I'm excited to see what opportunities are placed in front of me. New adventures, new knowledge, and new perspectives. But mostly, I'm excited to see what God is trying to reveal to me about His purpose for my life. My specific prayer is that the blinders will come off and that my heart will be touched...my heart and others' hearts will be moved by God's greatness.

And in the end, we will praise Him in all that we do.

Behind The Mask

I believe everyone wears a mask. Some have a few masks, others have several that change every few minutes. But my question is why wear a mask? Rejection sucks but I’d rather someone fall in love with who I really am than to hide my true self from them just to have them hate me later on in life (this goes for friendships to romantic relationships).

 

 

Our world is full of insecurities. And I believe this is why there are so many masks in our world. I have my insecurities and I hide sometimes so I’m not condoning or calling anyone out. I’m just saying I’m human like you. I get it. It’s easier to hide than to show your true self when you know you’ll be judged, hated, rejected, or frowned upon.

I want to challenge everyone to be brave and let your true self shine. Don’t hide behind the masks of sarcasm, cockiness, or whatever mask you are holding in your hands right now. If you honestly think that others will not like the true you then you probably don’t like your true self or you’re looking at the wrong kinds of friendships/relationships. Love yourself. Work on you.

Believe me, this is something that I’ve worked on for most of my life. I know that I’ve still got areas that I am improving but there is always room for improvement everywhere. The mask I tend to wear is one of a smile when I am hurting. I tend to care for others before myself and I’ve gotten lost in it many times before. But I’ve learned that to care for others, we must first care for ourselves so that we can give to others better. It wasn’t an easy lesson but if I want to be my best, I have to focus on myself and get to where I can give my best.

“Exposing your dark side doesn’t frighten me, hiding it does.”- Author Unknown

When it comes to relationships, I’ve learned a great deal about communication. Ask questions. Get clarification. Don’t hide anything from the person whom you say “I love you” to every day. This person should never see a mask on you. If you have to sneak to do it or lie to cover it up, then you shouldn’t be doing it....and this goes for dating or married. Don’t mask anything. Don’t lead people to believe something that isn’t true.

Drop your mask. Be yourself. Let others love you for who you truly are. I'd rather know the real you.

Clarity from God: Being Still, Being Obedient

Have you ever had a moment where there is no doubt it was God speaking to you? Like an "ah ha!" moment but so clear that you knew exactly what you needed to do? I had one of those recently and just today it was made crystal clear.

Let me tell you a story:
There once was a woman who wanted to fall in love, get married, have babies and live happily ever after. Well...life happened. She fell in love, got married, got her heart broken then divorced. She fell in love again a few years later, got pregnant, had a beautiful little boy, got her heart broken again. Then she met a nice guy who was crazy about her but she knew deep down that he wasn't who God had for her. Sound familiar? Then you know my story well.

The past few months have brought a new clarity to my life. I've learned some great lessons lately on leaning on God and listening to His words but the greatest lesson I've learned is to "Be Still." I had started feeling overwhelmed, rushed and not myself. I didn't want to lose the grip I had on Christ's robe as I felt like I was sinking deeper into this pit of anxiety and depression. I felt as if something were hovering over me and blinding me from God's word. As if something was playing "peek-a-boo" with my future and not letting me see the big picture. Then I heard God say "Be still. Focus on Me." It wasn't an audible voice....it was deep within my heart. As I was praying today, I felt the words "be still" come upon my heart again. Being a gal who loves Pinterest, I searched 'be still' just to find this scripture:

 

 

That was the crystal clear moment I had been waiting for. I had made a decision just a couple of weeks ago after hearing God say "Be Still. Focus on Me". I knew I was dating a man that was not who God had intended for me to be with. He was a very kind, generous man that I have nothing bad to say about. Everything had been rushed though. I didn't want to hurt him but I had to listen to God. Psalm 37:7 made it very clear to me that waiting patiently for God is not what we were doing. The uneasy feeling I was having all along was just God telling me to stop and keep my eyes on Him.

So many times in our lives we feel that we are helping God along the way by taking steps to make the desires of our hearts happen. But what we are missing is that God has your best interest at heart. We need to trust in His timing, not ours. I understand that more now than ever. When we rush things, we miss out on the blessings that He has for us. The waiting that we are doing is honoring Him. Be obedient in all that you do.

 

 

I know that God isn't done with me yet. I still have many lessons to learn and pray that my testimony may help someone one of these days. I do still desire to meet my #2 someday and make a life together honoring Christ in all that we do. Until that day comes, I will 'delight myself in the Lord' and I will keep my eyes on Christ alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death of a People Pleaser

All of my life I've been a people pleaser. I wanted to make sure everyone around me was happy. I never wanted to let anyone down and never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect all the time....

But all it left me with was worry. I would worry about how to make everything right and how to be super cautious with my words. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to fit in. So...I worried. All the time. 

It is written in the Bible hundreds of times "Do not be anxious". I knew that worry was not of God yet it consumed me and broke me down. I felt drained from it many days. I felt like I was being eaten alive.

Until I decided to take a stand. I do want others to be happy but I know that I cannot do that for them. I am human, just like everyone else, and I mess up. I cannot be someone's sole reason for happiness when that "void" should be filled by Jesus. I'm going to let you down because I'm not perfect. I will hurt your feelings because I will be honest and hold anyone accountable in the most non-judgmental way that I can. And there is no perfection on earth so I'm just going to let my house be messy sometimes even when someone shows up unexpectedly (P.S. be courteous. Call before you come over. And not when you're pulling into the driveway. That's rude.) The feeling of worry/anxiety is ugly. I assume it is something that is a big deal since it is talked about a lot in the Bible.

Recently, I got back into the habit of people-pleasing and it cost me my own happiness. It spun out of control real quick. I would fake a smile and say everything was alright when deep down, I was miserable. I felt numb. I felt like I was on auto-pilot. Others were encouraging and pushing me to do something that I wasn't ready for. I went with it saying "I'll keep trying. This must be what I'm supposed to do since everyone wants me to do this". But I had to make a decision. After much prayer, I made the best decision for me and my son. I chose to listen to God instead of people. And thankfully, I've been overwhelmed with support from those who truly have my best interest at heart. Those who were seeking God with me even when I didn't know it.

When people talk, the anxiety rises. But when God talks, there is a calmness that I can't explain. I could have saved myself from all of this worry if I had just listened to God and not people throughout my life. I don't regret anything because I know these were lessons God was trying to teach me. I can be stubborn at times so some lessons are harder for me to connect with than others.

What I have learned/been reminded of so far this year:
1. People will let you down. It's your choice as to how long you stay down.
2. Forgiveness is one of the most important things people can do. Even if it takes years.
3. Don't let others push you into doing something you're not comfortable with.
4. The only One to listen to is God. If you're uncomfortable about something, bring it to him. Place it at the foot of the cross.
5. Letting go of worry makes a world of difference in life. And it shows how little faith we have in Christ.
6. God is my protector, my healer and knows what is best for me.
7. Reading my Bible daily and really focusing on the Word of God brings peace & joy to my soul. I need it to live each day.
8. Desperation should only be towards God. You should only be desperate for him.
9.  I enjoy time to myself. And I don't get enough of it so I will enjoy every moment of life.
10. When I focus on serving, I will be serving to please God, not others.

When you have a gut feeling, I believe that is the Holy Spirit trying to tell you something. From now on, I'm focusing on Christ.