Change Your Perspective

I received a compliment last night that made my night. I was told through a friend that another friend said that I was 'the kindest, sweetest girl' he had met. At one time, I would have taken that compliment as something negative. I had in my mind at a point in time that those words were just a way of saying that I was a weak person. Now I can respond to it with the phrase "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness" and a big ol' "Thank you". I want others to see the love of Christ in my eyes and through my actions. I want others to see that kindness and sweetness are genuinely wonderful characteristics. We have been called to love others as Christ loves the church. Showing kindness is a way of showing that love. And the sweetness...that's just an added bonus. (It's just comes naturally for me. lol). There have been some bumps in the road as I traveled through life that tried to ruin me. I have felt the pain of anxiety, depression, body image issues...but my eyes have been opened to how Christ sees me now. I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Christ looks at me like a man looks at his bride walking down the aisle. He is in awe of me. And I'm not the only one! Women...we need to set our eyes on Christ & Christ alone. Stop listening to the lies the enemy feeds you. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You were made in His image. You have a purpose. You are talented. We all see our own flaws but Christ sees us perfectly. And if you're on the run from Him, stop. Let Him embrace you. Let Him comfort you and heal your wounds. Again, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I pray that your eyes will be opened to how amazing you truly are....and this is not only for the women but the men also. Each of us have a set of talents, a set of gifts that were hand-picked by God for us. Use them. You have a purpose. And last but not least, I pray that all of you whom read this will be blessed today and always. Count those blessings around you. They are all around us. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11.

I Am Not Good...But I Know One Who Is

(I scribbled this on a notepad around 1am this morning when I woke up from a deep sleep and couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know exactly why I couldn't go back to sleep or why I had the urge to write but I pray that these words will help someone today somehow.) A friend of mine told me last week that she doesn't feel like she could ever be as 'good of a person' as me. I had to laugh and explain some things to her. I am not good. I am human. I make mistakes like everybody else. I have fears. I have doubts. I second guess myself. I am not perfect whatsoever. I stress over things I can't control. And there are times that I have trouble letting go. I have poor self-image at times and long to be called "beautiful". I am just a woman. And I choose not to let all of those negativities be public (until now...without full details, that is!). Don't judge a book by it's cover. Whether the person seems 'good' or 'bad', we all have our own silent troubles. There are days that I feel like I am stuck in a valley of negativity. But....I serve a perfect God. When I fall, He picks me up. He forgives me and shows me how to forgive others. He loves me & shows me how to love others. He stirs my heart and makes me new. When I cry out in desperation due to a broken heart or fears that swirl in my mind, He listens and comforts me. He provides when I feel like I have nothing. He is there when I feel so utterly alone. He calls me 'beautiful' when I feel at my worst. But best of all, He calls me His daughter, even though I am unworthy of His love and admiration. I may not be perfect in your sight but I am perfect in His sight. He fulfills my soul. My God is perfect in all ways. I am not good.......but I know the One who is.

I long for answers....but I trust you.

Over the past 5 years, I've had an array of emotions over the death of a great friend of mine. Some days I've felt sadness...missing him. Some days I've felt anger...how could he take his own life?! And some days I've felt happiness...he isn't silently hurting anymore. There have been many confusing days as well. Confusing as in not understanding why this happened...why the closure hasn't come. Why the pain is still there...even though it has faded. In life, we may never get full answers. It's not only with situations as painful as this one is to me. We may not feel like we've gotten full answers to why certain things have happened or are happening to us. Or why we have prayed so hard for someone or something and it seems like nothing has changed. I've learned to accept the things I cannot change. To accept that Christ is in total control. I'm still learning how to lean on Him fully but I know that if I don't get answers right here, right now...that's okay. I serve a God who knows all. And I will continue to trust Him. My dear friend, Eric, struggled with a pain deeper than I've ever known. I don't know his full story or why he decided to do what he did. But I do know that he was very much loved by family & friends. Anyone who reads this: please talk to someone if you're hurting. There is hope in all situations. In all circumstances. Suicide is never the answer. And you are never alone.

Inevitable Change

I'll admit that I do not like change. A little here & there is fine but just like dipping my toes in the pool before getting in, that's how I feel about change. I like to take it slow. Inch my way into something new & different. There are some changes happening in my life right now. Changes that have pros & cons. A few changes that I have no control over. Some changes that make me smile...& some that make me want to cry. I have always been a full-time mommy but now I have my son every day. I absolutely LOVE this part. I get to see his smiling face every day now & it fills my heart with so much joy. My favorite little guy has a lot of changes going on in his life and I have to be strong for him. He will start Pre-K in a couple of weeks and, just like his mommy, he doesn't like change much either. That is why he has refused to move up in classes at church...he feels most comfortable in his last class setting. There is another more personal thing going on that we need prayer for but this is not the place to go into details. Another change for me that gives me mixed feelings is that one of my best friends is moving away. This man means so much to me. More than he'll ever know. I'm so proud of where he is going in life and how God is truly blessing him with a great career but my greedy self wants to keep him here because I'll miss seeing him. I'll miss being around him. (Thank God for FaceTime, texting & phone calls....& vehicles to help us travel.) A part of my heart is moving to Texas. When looking at all of these big changes, I can't help but wonder where God is leading us. Many thoughts of the past have come up lately...not out of fear or sadness but to bring about the wisdom I need to work through these changes. I hated the situations I was in & even seeing the situations that friends/family had been in that have brought about this wisdom but now I know why so much has happened. It was all to prepare me for the days to come. I thank God for the knowledge I need for this.

In The Beginning.....

I have a confession. I don't always understand what I read in the Bible. I know that I am like many others who open their Bible and think "what did I just read?" But then there are days that it just hits me. BAM! And it all makes sense. I've read the story of Adam & Eve many times. The ideas that stick with me from their story: they were the first to walk this earth. Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs. They were oblivious to the fact that they were naked until they ate an apple that a snake persuaded them to eat. I hate snakes. And I'm not a real big fan of apples. I started reading a devotional on YouVersion called "She Reads Truth: Women In The Bible: Part 1" this morning. It makes sense that the first woman we'd read about is Eve. We focused on how she was made. The main points were: She was made in God's image (how cool is that?!). She was given God's blessing and favor. She was created for community (so that she may complement Adam). She was made from Adam's rib....and a quote that I absolutely LOVE from Matthew Henry that is a part of this devo about Eve is: "not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be EQUAL to him, under his arm to be PROTECTED, and near his heart to be BELOVED." That is one of my absolute FAVORITE quotes. Eve was created for harmony, not shame. God was pleased when he made her. He looked at her as his masterpiece. If you look deeper into this story and focus on the beginning and not the sin that she commits later, Eve was formed with delicate care. And we were formed just like her. I've never really thought about it before. I've always thought "Yeah, I was born. Whatever." But just like Eve, we were made by the loving hands of our Father. He took his time in putting us together. He knew exactly what He wanted us to look like. God created us in His own image. He created us with an intense love. I don't know about you, but I think that's awesome. And it makes me feel a deeper love for my Father in heaven. The One who took His precious time in creating me. The One who loved me enough to breathe life into my lungs. We take so much for granted. After reading this devotional, I feel like I have a new perspective on the beginning of life. Sometimes I forget that we are truly made in God's image. We are all blessings. We are put here on this earth at just the right time. God is good....All the time!

Fear Not For I Am With You

I thought it was over. The skies were clear when I decided to give my son a bath. Once again, he fought me. There wasn't enough water in the tub. There was too much water in the tub. He wanted bubbles...but not the Cars bubbles...he wanted the Dora bubbles. I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed with his demands. After the fifth time of me telling him to get himself clean with the soap, I got a call from my mom saying that there was a tornado coming my way. My heart raced as I rushed my son out of the tub so I could drain it & we could hop back in & take cover. Luckily, I still had an emergency bag in the hallway from last week's storm scare. Trying to explain what was happening and staying calm at the same time was a struggle. I hate tornadoes. Always have. And quite possibly always will. The hatred for these kind of storms has grown deeper since my son was born. I want to protect him. This momma lion was ready to protect him at all costs last night. My son wasn't too happy about having to get out of the tub to get dried off and ready for shelter. The battle started. As I was drying him off, he pushed and squirmed. He told me to leave him alone and that he wanted to get back in the tub to get clean (uhmm...hello, kiddo?! what did mommy say like 5 minutes ago?!). After the short battle of getting him to put his underwear on, I was finally able to grab the emergency bag, my purse, my keys, my cell & the charger, some blankets and some pillows. Man, oh, man do I wish we had a bigger tub! It was quite cramped in there. A new battle started with my child in the tub. The toys that I grabbed were not the ones he wanted. As my heart raced some more as the tornado sirens started to blare, I grabbed my son, held him tight and said "We need to pray, Emerson. There is a tornado coming this way. We need to be safe. I need you to trust mommy right now." He finally calmed down a little. We prayed a prayer of safety over our family, friends and ourselves. The sirens went off. But being an Okie and knowing how all of this works from past experience, we stayed in the tub a little bit longer. The sirens went off for a second time. My son mentioned the sound of 'the train'...all I could hear was the siren so I figure that he was talking about that. The storm finally passed us. We were safe. Alive. Well. I don't think my phone has ever had so much activity on it at the same time as it did last night. Text after text. I didn't have service so I couldn't call anyone. Talk about feeling helpless! I didn't want anyone to worry about us since we were fine. Texts from my mom, my dad, my best friends, my church family flooded my phone. And even though I wasn't able to call anyone, I was still able to text them back. I felt the love of my family & friends wrap around Emerson & I last night. I am deeply moved by all the support and concern these wonderful people showed for us. I didn't fully understand the depth of all the concern until this morning when I watched the news. This tornado touched down about a mile from my home. That's a bit too close for comfort. But today more than ever I am thanking God for his protection. I am thanking God for his arms being wrapped around my son & I last night. We still have a job to do while we are here on this earth. And that job is to lead people to become fully devoted followers of Christ. Thank you, Jesus, for a new day!

Distraction...

Ever feel distracted? Like when you are so focused then something catches your eye & you lose that focus? I feel it. I feel it in a big, bad way. And I don't like it. These distractions happen every so often to try to get our focus off of 'the One'. And by 'the One', I mean, God. The past few weeks have been filled with ups and downs in my life...distractions that are trying to pull me away from my focus. It started with the deaths of my great-uncle and a friend of mine. I took my first big hits then. But that didn't take my full focus away. I know that those two beautiful souls are enjoying the presence of Jesus now. The next hit was the big hit and it was most painful. My heart still hurts over this and it is something that I need to keep private. Something that I am still trying to figure out but learning to let it go as well. It is out of my control. With these occurrences, this verse comes to mind: 1 Peter 5:8 (NIV) "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." When you know that you are on the right track & you have your eyes focused on the cross, the devil is ready for attack. He is ready to tear you apart...rip you to shreds! Satan will throw little 'distractions' out there to get your eyes off of Christ. With me, he tried to distract me with sad thoughts and fear after deaths. I was torn up after my friend, KJ, passed away because she left behind two cats that her family & friends did not want to care for. I took them in and my allergies went ballistic! Never in my life have I EVER had an allergic reaction to cats. I mean, hey, I'm a cat person! When I was a child, I would tell people that I wanted a cat farm when I grew up. (So thankful that God opened my eyes to this one & I only have 2 little fur babies to care for). I had to give those cats up after one night of them being in my home. I honestly felt like I had let down my friend. In my heart, I felt like I was taking care of her babies (KJ was a single woman with no kids...her furry babies were her kids). So I grieved. I cried. I had anxiety attacks like I had several years ago before I gave it all to Christ! And I thought "what is wrong with me?! This isn't me anymore!" With the "private" situation, Satan attacked my mind with thoughts of never being able to trust anyone. My mind was flooded with thoughts of the past pain I had overcome. With pain that I had dealt with for years and finally felt like I had been able to move past it within the past year or so. I began to think thoughts like "Why?! This isn't fair! Not again!" And that's when I dove into the Word of God! I've been reading a devotional called "She Reads Truth: Prayer in the Bible" and recently completed "She Reads Truth: Philippians & Colossians". These devotionals have helped me crawl out of this dark hole that I feel like I've been thrown into. My focus is still not where I want it to be completely, but I see Christ's hand reaching for me & helping me get out of this funk. My stubborn side is still saying "you can handle this on your own!" yet my mind is saying "Girl, get your act together. Christ is calling...you better hold tight to him!" "Rejoice in confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." Romans 12:12 NLT. My hope is found in Jesus. This too shall pass and may God's will be done.

Life After Death....

Today would have been Eric's 32nd birthday. Oh how I wish we could go out and celebrate with him. As I fell asleep last night, I felt an overwhelming sadness of missing my friend...knowing that today was his birthday. Has it really been almost five years since he died?! So much has happened in these five years and healing has been steady but it doesn't mean that I don't think about him often and that I don't miss him. Sgt. Kent Eric McCloskey....a comical, loving, give you the shirt off his back kind of man. I've never met someone like him before. He was some kind of special. I remember the first time I had met him. My heart broke for him since he had just gotten back from serving in Iraq to find that his wife was being unfaithful to him. Since I had recently gone through a divorce myself, he & I hit it off real quickly. We were able to confide in each other and build each other up through tough times. He went back to Iraq for another tour shortly after I had met him. We kept up through MySpace, email and the occasional phone call. Through those messages, I had found my best friend. Eric loved his job in the Army. In fact, he was excited about going back to war. The reason: he wanted to protect his daughters. The things that he saw over there, he wanted to keep it over there so that his daughters would be safe here. And for that, I call him a hero. Eric stayed with Chacie and I one weekend around Christmas 2007. Sadly, I didn't know that was going to be the last time that I would see his face in person. I didn't know that would be the last time I'd get to hug him. It was a weekend I'd never forget. From laughs about him picking up a hitchhiker on his way from Texas to Oklahoma to singing "Ride wit Me" in the car on our way to the bar....those memories will forever be in my mind. The last conversation I had with Eric wasn't the most pleasant. He had told me that he & his wife were trying to work things out and that she didn't want him to talk to any of his female friends anymore. Then he went on to pick at me for dating Lee (Emerson's dad) and calling him "Frankenstein" and that I could do better. In hindsight, I should have listened to him. The date was Friday, August 15, 2008....I was driving to work at 7:30am when I got a call from Chacie. She was due to have Kaylee in a few short weeks so my heart was racing thinking that she was going into labor! But when I answered the phone, Chacie wasn't excited at all. All she said was "I need you to come to my house right now." As I was driving there, I started to cry thinking "Oh, Dear God, please let Chacie & Kaylee be okay!"....not knowing the pain that would follow. When I got into the house, Chacie was sitting in the recliner, very quiet and trying to stay calm. The first words out of her mouth will forever bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. That was when she told me that Eric was dead. Eric had shot himself. Even as I'm typing this, the tears flow and my hands are shaky. I've tried many times to just put this behind me and not think about it but I have to face it. My best friend is gone...and I couldn't help him. There have been many times that I've yelled at myself for not calling him to check on him. But I didn't know how he was doing because he wasn't 'allowed' to talk to his friends anymore. There have been many times that I blamed her, thinking that she pulled the trigger. And honestly, I still have my doubts. I still want to believe that Eric wouldn't do that, that he was a strong, powerful man that loved his family and his friends more than anything. I still have so many questions. I am thankful to have met this man. Eric showed me what it was like to be a faithful friend. He showed me what it was like to give without anything holding me back. He showed me that even when you have a huge fear, go for it anyway. And with that, I thank him for being in my life at just the right time. Eric helped the painful wounds of my divorce heal. He helped me find a smile again. And that is what I hold onto with his memory. I wouldn't have ever had met Eric if it weren't for my roommate/best friend, Chacie. I know that Chacie loved her brother more than anything. And he talked about how much he loved his sister often. What a blessing the two of them are to me.