Death of a People Pleaser

All of my life I've been a people pleaser. I wanted to make sure everyone around me was happy. I never wanted to let anyone down and never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect all the time....

But all it left me with was worry. I would worry about how to make everything right and how to be super cautious with my words. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to fit in. So...I worried. All the time. 

It is written in the Bible hundreds of times "Do not be anxious". I knew that worry was not of God yet it consumed me and broke me down. I felt drained from it many days. I felt like I was being eaten alive.

Until I decided to take a stand. I do want others to be happy but I know that I cannot do that for them. I am human, just like everyone else, and I mess up. I cannot be someone's sole reason for happiness when that "void" should be filled by Jesus. I'm going to let you down because I'm not perfect. I will hurt your feelings because I will be honest and hold anyone accountable in the most non-judgmental way that I can. And there is no perfection on earth so I'm just going to let my house be messy sometimes even when someone shows up unexpectedly (P.S. be courteous. Call before you come over. And not when you're pulling into the driveway. That's rude.) The feeling of worry/anxiety is ugly. I assume it is something that is a big deal since it is talked about a lot in the Bible.

Recently, I got back into the habit of people-pleasing and it cost me my own happiness. It spun out of control real quick. I would fake a smile and say everything was alright when deep down, I was miserable. I felt numb. I felt like I was on auto-pilot. Others were encouraging and pushing me to do something that I wasn't ready for. I went with it saying "I'll keep trying. This must be what I'm supposed to do since everyone wants me to do this". But I had to make a decision. After much prayer, I made the best decision for me and my son. I chose to listen to God instead of people. And thankfully, I've been overwhelmed with support from those who truly have my best interest at heart. Those who were seeking God with me even when I didn't know it.

When people talk, the anxiety rises. But when God talks, there is a calmness that I can't explain. I could have saved myself from all of this worry if I had just listened to God and not people throughout my life. I don't regret anything because I know these were lessons God was trying to teach me. I can be stubborn at times so some lessons are harder for me to connect with than others.

What I have learned/been reminded of so far this year:
1. People will let you down. It's your choice as to how long you stay down.
2. Forgiveness is one of the most important things people can do. Even if it takes years.
3. Don't let others push you into doing something you're not comfortable with.
4. The only One to listen to is God. If you're uncomfortable about something, bring it to him. Place it at the foot of the cross.
5. Letting go of worry makes a world of difference in life. And it shows how little faith we have in Christ.
6. God is my protector, my healer and knows what is best for me.
7. Reading my Bible daily and really focusing on the Word of God brings peace & joy to my soul. I need it to live each day.
8. Desperation should only be towards God. You should only be desperate for him.
9.  I enjoy time to myself. And I don't get enough of it so I will enjoy every moment of life.
10. When I focus on serving, I will be serving to please God, not others.

When you have a gut feeling, I believe that is the Holy Spirit trying to tell you something. From now on, I'm focusing on Christ.

Awaken Your Passion!

Yesterday, I talked to two different people about how I miss my passion. I miss getting my camera out and capturing the beauty around me. I miss getting paint out to create my own little masterpieces of what is swirling around in my mind. I miss crafts and projects!

But what made me put this on hold? What made me feel like I didn't have the time to do what I loved most? Stress. Distractions. Chaos. All of these things that Satan knew would keep me from being myself....he threw it all in front of me. From work to squeezing my wallet to unnecessary busyness....all of it was a distraction. He threw my insecurities in my face. And I believed him for a while.

It's time for a change. It's time for my passion to awaken again. It's time for my mind to be free of the distractions, stress and chaos. But it won't all be with the camera or paint. My life is a canvas...it's time to show the world the beauty God has placed in me. My passion isn't just about the camera and canvas. My passion is the people who smile and enjoy life around me. I want those around me to see the beauty around them.

How may I do that? That's still a work in progress. I'm praying about it and waiting to see what God reveals to me. But one thing is for sure: something WILL happen. I don't know when or where or how, but God has big plans. Bigger plans than I could ever imagine.

Awaken your passion! Awaken your soul! And never, ever let the chaos around you keep you from being you! Your life is a canvas....make something of it.

DIY: The Frustration for Asking for Help

Last weekend I decided that I was going to change the windshield wipers on my car. I knew it was time when the wipers started to sound awful on my windshield. Determined to do it all by myself, I made a trip to the parts store and came home feeling a bit excited about my new adventure.

It took me two different times (about 20 minutes each time) just to take the old one off of the driver's side. The instructions were not very clear as to what I should have done. Plus, it was SUPER cold outside. I text a couple of my guy friends thinking "Hey...they're guys! And they have worked on cars before! They'll know what to do!" but still determined to do it on my own when they offered to come over when they had extra time to do so. After opening the new wiper blades for the drivers side, I learned that there are a few different types of hooks and such. My car has the "J hook". (Even today I'm not sure if it's the small or large J hook but at least I know more than I did before, right?!).

After many twists and turns, I gave up. It would not click. I was irritated and the feeling of failure struck. I wanted so badly to feel like I had accomplished this task on my own. I text one of the guy friends again and told him how I was feeling about the situation. He told me not only to chill but that it is fine to ask for help sometimes. I didn't want to ask for help because I am very capable of doing this on my own. I even sent him this silly pic of myself saying "I even look the part" followed by his response of "You look cute lol"

So, feeling discouraged, I found my way back to the parts store. The men there were super awesome about my ordeal. Turns out that the book that tells me what size of wipers I needed was wrong. I had bought the wrong size. And this turned out to be a blessing in disguise....they put the correct size wipers on and it saved me $10. I can't argue with that. Next time, I'll be more prepared....

So, the lesson I learned from this is that it's okay to ask for help even when I feel defeated. I've had this lesson many times in my life. This one is just a bit more light-hearted. And I'm thankful to have friends who believe in me, encourage me, push me, and support my decisions in the end. 

I'm not a girly-girl by any means, nor am I a tomboy. But I do want to learn how to care for things I've been blessed with (i.e. car, house, mower, etc...). And sometimes, that means I have to get my hands dirty. I'm thanking God for soap and hand sanitizer though. But it also means that I need to ask for help sometimes. I know I'll learn even by watching. 

And yes, I did look cute. :) 

The Fear of Breastfeeding

Growing up I had never been around anyone that breastfed their babies. I was always afraid of what it would be like. So many questions flooded my mind: Would it hurt? Would he/she get enough milk from me? What if I wanted a glass of wine? Would this or that hurt my baby if I ate or drank it? Where would I go to breastfeed? What if people stared? So I turned my head to the idea of ever breastfeeding. Fear was behind it all.

When I had become pregnant in 2008 with my son, the questions flooded my mind again. There was no way I was going to breastfeed him. I was a working mom. I hated the idea of having to pump. None of my friends had breastfed their children for more than 6-8 weeks because they said it either had hurt or they just didn’t have the time to. Thankfully, I had the encouragement from someone that I needed, my son’s doctor.  

Even though I was adamant not to breastfeed, I gave it a shot. And I’m so thankful that I did. It was difficult at first because my son had a hard time latching on and I still didn’t know if I wanted to do it. There were many times that I felt overwhelmed and cried and wanted to give up! It felt weird the first few times that we tried. Then after a while, it only felt weird for the first minute or two due to the pressure built up (engorging) then it just felt natural. What a relief! My favorite part was looking down at my son as he looked up at me knowing that he felt safe in my arms and that I was giving him the best of me. I had to slow down my schedule, let go of my selfishness and my fear….but it was the greatest decision I had made. The bond we formed during that time cannot be broken.

I had chosen to always find a comfortable place to nurse him. I chose not to breastfeed in public for a few reasons. One reason is that I wanted to feel comfortable as well as make sure he was comfortable. Sitting at a table or a park bench was not my idea of comfortable whatsoever. So, I would excuse myself when he was getting fussy and go into a dimly lit room for more privacy. There had been times that he would get very fussy so I had to make do with the environment I was in. I was thankful for the cover I had to place over him so that he could breathe and not get too hot under it. I know many friends that choose to nurse whenever and wherever…blanket or not. That’s your style. Everyone has their own opinion and own choice on the matter. I support you in whatever you choose to do because you are taking care of your child. God bless you for that.

After 6 months of nursing, which was my first ‘goal’, my son’s doctor had told me that I should go for at least a year. I struggled with this as I was already back at work and having to find a place to use that stupid pump that I hated with a passion. I wanted to continue to help him but my work place was not ideal for a breastfeeding mom. But I pressed on. This wasn’t about me. It was about the health of my child. Thankfully, I work with some amazing people who encouraged me daily to do what I needed to do for my son. They opened up their offices and let me have the privacy I needed to make sure I was still giving my son my all. It was embarrassing for me at first to ask for a place to pump but my boobs were hurting and I was feeling cranky. I would take a few breaks every couple of hours just to pump. I bet it would have been a funny sight to see me pumping and eating my own lunch at the same time! But I had to do what I had to do. 

I nursed my son for 22 months...he is now 5 years old. Yeah, I’ve gotten grief over that from others. And I’m so glad that my son never bit me after his teeth had come in. That may seem like a long time to some but because of that, my son is healthy today. My son and I are inseparable. And if I could do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat! I honestly believe it is one of the best decisions a mother can make for her child. I did not strictly breastfeed. We did supplement with formula because I did not produce enough all the time but do not be ashamed if you have to do this. Breastfeeding is the best gift you can give your child. And when it seems to get too tough, press on. You will be thankful you did! And your child will be thankful, too!

Let's Get Real Here....

The series "#struggles" at Lifechurch.tv has been a fantastic series! I am being challenged to be more real with myself and with those around me. We all have struggles. Some are more challenging than others but everyone deals with them on different levels. I personally do not post a lot of my struggles on Facebook because I'm not looking for a pity party or advice. If I wanted advice, I would call or text you. It's a more personal kind of thing for me. But I am going to share some of my struggles in this post.

I am a 33 year old single mother to a smart, funny, sweet little boy that I would do anything for. If you've seen my Facebook or my Instagram posts, you would know how crazy I am about him. It's not always sunshine and rainbows though. There are many moments where I want to cry and I feel like I am failing as a mother. An example would be last week when I got a call from the school counselor telling me to pick up my son from school for bad behavior. My first reaction was "Not my little angel!" but lo & behold, he was acting up in class in a disrespectful way. He had pushed his teacher because he was mad then threw some books which unfortunately bounced off the floor and hit one of his classmates. This is embarrassing to me because I didn't raise him to act like a fool yet he was being impulsive and let his emotions get the best of him. It's a lesson to be learned....& it's a struggle for him right now as well as myself. He's a good boy who made some bad choices and consequences are now in action.

I've struggled with self esteem issues for years. I had been afraid of disappointing others for so long that I thought I would go crazy as a teenager. I still struggle with shyness at times but I've learned a lot about life and I know I don't have to be a people-pleaser. I still don't feel good when I disappoint others. It makes my insides feel yucky but I know I can't make everyone happy and that's okay. I'm not here on earth to make everyone happy. 

For many years I felt like I wasn't good enough for a relationship. I went through a divorce in 2006 and it crushed me. In my mind, I felt like if I couldn't keep my marriage going then how could I make anyone else happy. I pushed so hard to save my marriage but he left anyway. I look back on all of this now & laugh because my thinking was so wrong! One single person cannot be the sole happiness of another. That spot in your life belongs to Christ. Yes, I do long to share my life with a man who would adore me but he won't take the space in my heart that belongs to Christ nor do I expect to take Christ's spot in his heart. God first, spouse second. I believe that more now than ever. I've dated a couple of guys here & there since then with the same result. And I've asked "what's wrong with me?" when in actuality, it wasn't always about me. I own my pieces of this grand puzzle. And without a doubt, I know that God is listening to my prayers. My prayer is specific when it comes to this and that is why the other relationships have not worked. And I'm thankful now that they didn't because I wouldn't have the best of what God has for me. *Thank you, God, for loving me so much that you would protect me (and my son) from what you don't want for me (us). I know YOU know what is best for me*

One last struggle of mine is being sympathetic/empathetic to certain people. I try to be nice but when you whine ALL the time, I shut down. I truly want to be kind but I have to step away sometimes because of the overwhelming feeling I get of just wanting to run away from you. Not everyone gets under my skin but there are a few that I just put my ear buds in & let the music take me away. I don't want to act like I care if I don't. But I don't want to miss the opportunity to love someone who needs to be loved either. I feel like this is a huge battle that I am never going to win because my human self wants to run but I feel God tug at my heart sometimes and He tells me to just listen. There may be something under all the whining that needs to be uncovered. It's a true struggle for me. I love people. I am empathetic to 98% of the people I come in contact with. But there are some that I truly struggle with. And it hurts me to admit this one struggle because I don't like when others shut me out yet this is what I want to do with these certain unnamed people. "Do unto others as you would have them do to you" rings in my ears as my brain screams "SHUT UP ALREADY!" to the people who are a constant negative in my life. 

In the end, I know that my #struggles are tools to strengthen me. They are lessons to be learned. Ways to get me to trust God on a deeper level than before. 

(Disclaimer: Some of these struggles are things from the past. Some are from today. This does not mean that anyone has failed me nor does it mean that I want sympathy. This is just my way of being real with you. Many people, including myself, post our highlight reels not our behind the scenes. I believe there are just some things we do not need to post for the world to see. Those that I am close to know my struggles and they do life with me day to day and I am thankful for them).

Bowling Adventures!

Just a quick little post since I'm learning how to post pictures finally. I took Em bowling last week and he had a blast! Looks like we may have found a new little hobby. He wasn't bored at all and the laughter coming out of him was delightful! This kiddo is my heart and soul! I'm so very proud of the boy he is turning into: polite, cuddly, super sweet, curious about everything, so very loving.....he is a true blessing! I cannot thank God enough for choosing me to be his mommy!

Change Your Perspective

I received a compliment last night that made my night. I was told through a friend that another friend said that I was 'the kindest, sweetest girl' he had met. At one time, I would have taken that compliment as something negative. I had in my mind at a point in time that those words were just a way of saying that I was a weak person. Now I can respond to it with the phrase "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness" and a big ol' "Thank you". I want others to see the love of Christ in my eyes and through my actions. I want others to see that kindness and sweetness are genuinely wonderful characteristics. We have been called to love others as Christ loves the church. Showing kindness is a way of showing that love. And the sweetness...that's just an added bonus. (It's just comes naturally for me. lol). There have been some bumps in the road as I traveled through life that tried to ruin me. I have felt the pain of anxiety, depression, body image issues...but my eyes have been opened to how Christ sees me now. I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Christ looks at me like a man looks at his bride walking down the aisle. He is in awe of me. And I'm not the only one! Women...we need to set our eyes on Christ & Christ alone. Stop listening to the lies the enemy feeds you. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You were made in His image. You have a purpose. You are talented. We all see our own flaws but Christ sees us perfectly. And if you're on the run from Him, stop. Let Him embrace you. Let Him comfort you and heal your wounds. Again, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I pray that your eyes will be opened to how amazing you truly are....and this is not only for the women but the men also. Each of us have a set of talents, a set of gifts that were hand-picked by God for us. Use them. You have a purpose. And last but not least, I pray that all of you whom read this will be blessed today and always. Count those blessings around you. They are all around us. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11.