But all it left me with was worry. I would worry about how to make everything right and how to be super cautious with my words. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to fit in. So...I worried. All the time.
It is written in the Bible hundreds of times "Do not be anxious". I knew that worry was not of God yet it consumed me and broke me down. I felt drained from it many days. I felt like I was being eaten alive.
Until I decided to take a stand. I do want others to be happy but I know that I cannot do that for them. I am human, just like everyone else, and I mess up. I cannot be someone's sole reason for happiness when that "void" should be filled by Jesus. I'm going to let you down because I'm not perfect. I will hurt your feelings because I will be honest and hold anyone accountable in the most non-judgmental way that I can. And there is no perfection on earth so I'm just going to let my house be messy sometimes even when someone shows up unexpectedly (P.S. be courteous. Call before you come over. And not when you're pulling into the driveway. That's rude.) The feeling of worry/anxiety is ugly. I assume it is something that is a big deal since it is talked about a lot in the Bible.
Recently, I got back into the habit of people-pleasing and it cost me my own happiness. It spun out of control real quick. I would fake a smile and say everything was alright when deep down, I was miserable. I felt numb. I felt like I was on auto-pilot. Others were encouraging and pushing me to do something that I wasn't ready for. I went with it saying "I'll keep trying. This must be what I'm supposed to do since everyone wants me to do this". But I had to make a decision. After much prayer, I made the best decision for me and my son. I chose to listen to God instead of people. And thankfully, I've been overwhelmed with support from those who truly have my best interest at heart. Those who were seeking God with me even when I didn't know it.
When people talk, the anxiety rises. But when God talks, there is a calmness that I can't explain. I could have saved myself from all of this worry if I had just listened to God and not people throughout my life. I don't regret anything because I know these were lessons God was trying to teach me. I can be stubborn at times so some lessons are harder for me to connect with than others.
What I have learned/been reminded of so far this year:
1. People will let you down. It's your choice as to how long you stay down.
2. Forgiveness is one of the most important things people can do. Even if it takes years.
3. Don't let others push you into doing something you're not comfortable with.
4. The only One to listen to is God. If you're uncomfortable about something, bring it to him. Place it at the foot of the cross.
5. Letting go of worry makes a world of difference in life. And it shows how little faith we have in Christ.
6. God is my protector, my healer and knows what is best for me.
7. Reading my Bible daily and really focusing on the Word of God brings peace & joy to my soul. I need it to live each day.
8. Desperation should only be towards God. You should only be desperate for him.
9. I enjoy time to myself. And I don't get enough of it so I will enjoy every moment of life.
10. When I focus on serving, I will be serving to please God, not others.
When you have a gut feeling, I believe that is the Holy Spirit trying to tell you something. From now on, I'm focusing on Christ.
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