Changing My "Some Day" into "I'm Ready Now"

I believe I live a simple life. Routine life, for sure, but simple. My days are filled with work, motherhood, friends, serving at church, & housework. I'll be honest, I get bored sometimes and watch a bit too much Netflix to fill that time in. Life is not always fulfilling. And I do have unhappy times. But that doesn't mean I hate my life.

When I start to feel the downward pull of unhappiness, that's when I turn to either my journal or my drawings. This isn't something I share with the world. It's my own personal space. So, if I do share those things with someone, you better believe that person is a huge part of my inner world. When I put the pencil to paper, it's freeing. I don't keep a lot of it around for long though. Why hold on to something with so much emotion to dwell on?

I LOVE getting my camera out and capturing memories of the moment. Whether it be scenic, structural, family focused, or group of friends, my camera helps me to capture the moments that mean the most. Moments I can reflect on later in life and thank God for that specific time. It's truly a joy for me to snap shots here & there. It sets my soul on fire. Yet, with the busyness of life, this is a hobby I have neglected lately. It's time to bust out the 35mm that I love so much. (P.S. Yes, I said a 35mm Nikon & it's amazing. I like to keep it old school.)

There are things I am interested in pursuing. I'd love to learn how to make pottery & sculpt my own creations out of clay. I'd love to have my own dark room so I could develop my own photos. I want to take creative writing classes to better my writing hobby. Maybe even take a few art classes to perfect my own drawings. I'd love to learn more about antiquing furniture & making my own soaps or candles. I also love to learn more about dance....& maybe even run another marathon someday (because the Color Run a few years ago was a blast even though my body hurt for a week). My mind is flooding with all sorts of ideas. I need to change my "some day" into "now I'm ready".

But it doesn't end there. My "Life List" (aka "Bucket List" to some) is ever changing & growing. And at times it feels overwhelming but it's my list. And I plan to do everything on it.

Life is full of opportunities. Take advantage of those and live life. The sky is the limit. Don't let life get so busy that you forget about your zest for life. I'm convinced that Satan tries to make your life busy so you won't actually live. We are meant for so much more.

Life can get a bit hectic at times. But that doesn't mean we should ignore our passions.

Bittersweet Moments in Parenting

"Go get 'em, baby! You can do this!" was what I shouted to my 7 year old son as he hit the ball field last week for a tball game. What I didn't expect was him coming back to me with a look of anger & telling me quietly "Mom, don't call me baby anymore. That's embarrassing!" Talk about ripping my heart out & crushing it. Geez. My little boy is growing up.

I knew this day was coming but I didn't know it would happen so soon. I understand what my mom has always said about "if you blink, they grow up" now. I'm not ready. Or at least, I don't think I'm ready. I don't want to be ready. I want my son to snuggle up next to me to read bedtime stories, to ask me to sing to him at bedtime, to give me hugs in front of his friends, and Eskimo kisses before he drifts off to sleep at night. I don't want him to grow up. But no matter what age he turns, he'll always be my baby.

This morning I was hit with another "that's embarrassing, mom" moment. I was dropping him off at summer camp and while we were walking up to the door, I put my arm around him for a little squeeze of a hug. He giggled and said "Mom! Don't do that. That's embarrassing." So, I stopped him in the walkway up to the door & got on his level and said "Buddy, you're only little for so long. Please let me enjoy every little hug I can get. You're growing up so fast." He then wrapped his arms around my neck and said "I love you, mom. I'll always be your baby. Don't worry about that. You can hug me & kiss me in the car." I'd be lying if I said I didn't get teary-eyed. Thankfully, he gave me one last hug in front of his friends after I signed him in.

My little boy is growing up. I can't keep him little forever.....but I can continue to pray for & with him daily that God will continue to bless him as he learns to walk in His ways, as he learns how to be more independent. It is written in Proverbs 22:6 "Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it." I believe that I've been able to direct him well and now giving him a little more space may be good for him...for me even. But in the end, we'll always be close. We'll always be a team. We'll always have each other's backs.

Seeing as just last summer he was still trying to follow me as I left daycare or that he was hiding under tables because he didn't want to be there......he's come a long way. I'm proud of the young man he is becoming. He's smart, super funny/witty, loving & kind.....he's becoming a gentleman and insists on holding doors open for others. He insists on holding hands to pray before meals at home also. Again, tears fill my eyes at the thoughts of these beautiful moments I get to share with my son. And it makes me proud of my parents for instilling these lessons into my life so that I could share with him.

Connection: The Desire for Unity

I enjoy reading. I don't do it as much as I used to nor as much as I'd like to because...well...life! I could make up all sorts of excuses but I won't do that today. I've been reading "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman off and on for the past few months on my lunch break at work. It is one of my all-time favorite books and I highly recommend EVERYONE to read it...at least once in your lifetime. Every time I read it, I gain new perspective. Things stand out to me more one day than another. It all depends on where I'm at in life and what mindset I take as I dive into the pages for the day.

Today, I read some pages that really made me think. When I opened the book today, I went in thinking "what am I going to read about that will help me become more aware of those around me and their love languages? How can I make someone feel loved today?" I didn't know that it would make me take a deeper look at my dating life (which I've put on the back burner lately because I feel that I need "me" time right now...for spiritual & personal growth). The chapter was titled "Dating Relationships: Should Love Lead to Marriage?".

***Note: this may sound a little like a book report but these are the notes in this chapter alone that stood out to me and I'll probably go back to this blog to refresh my memory in a few months.***

As a single person, ask yourself why you are dating.  Are you dating because you want companionship? Sex? Love? Social acceptance? Security? All of those things are great and wonderful but the purpose of marriage runs deeper than that. It is written in the Bible that "It is not good for the man to be alone." So, God made woman. One of humanity's deepest needs/desires is a union of life with another. We desire connection. Gary Chapman wrote "The supreme purpose of marriage is the union of a man and woman at the deepest possible level and in all areas of life, which in turn brings the greatest possible sense of fulfillment to the couple and best serves the purposes of God for their lives."

What is your goal in getting married/your marriage? There are basic areas of your life that you should examine before getting married, according to this book. Intellectual unity, Social unity, Emotional unity, Spiritual unity, and Physical unity.

Intellectual unity....books you read, read the newspaper regularly, magazines, TV shows you watch & amount of education you both have. You should be able to communicate on the same intellectual levels.
Social unity....sports fans, musical interests, recreational activities....social growth ought to begin before marriage. Discuss your self-concept as compared with how you appear to others with your partner.
Emotional unity....this one stood out to me in a big way....feeling loved, respected, and appreciated. Dr. Chapman wrote "To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities, and personality. Appreciation is the inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship." Respect begins with attitude and means that you give the other person freedom to be an individual. I've seen others lose themselves in relationships and then their relationship ends and they are struggling to find their own identity again.
Spiritual unity....this is more than "we go to church together." This is more than your 'church membership' or that you serve every Sunday. This is spiritual growth together. Spiritual foundations are important because they influence all areas of life and unity!
Physical unity....a good reminder that 'sexual intercourse does not create intimacy'. Dr. Chapman points out that 'sex outside of marriage often sidetracks the process of building intimacy and becomes itself a source of great pain physically and emotionally.'

Lastly, Dealing with Scars....the last portion of this chapter that spoke to me on a deeper level this time than it ever had before. When dealing with your scars remember that marriage has no closets for skeletons. The past cannot be changed. Trust your partner to accept you as you are, not as he/she might wish you were. The points Dr. Chapman brought up may hit you hard. Face it and deal with it. If you want total unity in a marriage, "making a wise decision about whom you marry is the first step in lifelong, satisfying marriage."

Now...the time to get real and raw with you. After reading this chapter, I'm happy with my decision to focus on me right now. There are still areas that I need to grow in and I don't know how long that will be but I need to face some things and deal with them. And I'm okay with that. To be able to give my best, I want/need to be at my best. And I'm not there right now. But I do believe God is working in me. I do believe that He is preparing me for something so much greater than I could EVER imagine! And that puts an excitement into my soul. Even though God has not revealed whom He intends for me to be with, I will continue to pray for him each day...prayers of strength, growth, pursuit of God, safety, and blessings.

God bless you all!

Acceptance: What 2016 Will Hold

For the past 2 years, I have prayed around Christmas time for one word that will stand out to me for the next year. In 2014, that word was "focus" and I gained new perspective that year. In 2015, the word was "confidence" and I truly believe this past year helped build my confidence up with all of the ups & downs that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I can only say that 2015 has been a year that I want to move past. It wasn't a great year but it was most definitely a year full of eye-opening events that helped me know myself better and helped me grow. I read many of my friends' Facebook posts saying that they are glad 2015 is over as well. I'm right there with ya, peeps!

About a month ago, a word came to me. I've prayed over this word many times and there is no doubt in my mind that 2016 will be a year of growth. My word for 2016 is "Acceptance". The verse that sticks out the most to me to go with my word is Proverbs 19:20 (NIV) "Listen to advice & accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future." For those who speak truth into my life, my mentors, family, and friends, I will listen carefully & intentionally. And I thank you in advance for helping me become a better person each day. I am open to new adventures as I explore new depths.

I'm excited to see what opportunities are placed in front of me. New adventures, new knowledge, and new perspectives. But mostly, I'm excited to see what God is trying to reveal to me about His purpose for my life. My specific prayer is that the blinders will come off and that my heart will be touched...my heart and others' hearts will be moved by God's greatness.

And in the end, we will praise Him in all that we do.

Behind The Mask

I believe everyone wears a mask. Some have a few masks, others have several that change every few minutes. But my question is why wear a mask? Rejection sucks but I’d rather someone fall in love with who I really am than to hide my true self from them just to have them hate me later on in life (this goes for friendships to romantic relationships).

 

 

Our world is full of insecurities. And I believe this is why there are so many masks in our world. I have my insecurities and I hide sometimes so I’m not condoning or calling anyone out. I’m just saying I’m human like you. I get it. It’s easier to hide than to show your true self when you know you’ll be judged, hated, rejected, or frowned upon.

I want to challenge everyone to be brave and let your true self shine. Don’t hide behind the masks of sarcasm, cockiness, or whatever mask you are holding in your hands right now. If you honestly think that others will not like the true you then you probably don’t like your true self or you’re looking at the wrong kinds of friendships/relationships. Love yourself. Work on you.

Believe me, this is something that I’ve worked on for most of my life. I know that I’ve still got areas that I am improving but there is always room for improvement everywhere. The mask I tend to wear is one of a smile when I am hurting. I tend to care for others before myself and I’ve gotten lost in it many times before. But I’ve learned that to care for others, we must first care for ourselves so that we can give to others better. It wasn’t an easy lesson but if I want to be my best, I have to focus on myself and get to where I can give my best.

“Exposing your dark side doesn’t frighten me, hiding it does.”- Author Unknown

When it comes to relationships, I’ve learned a great deal about communication. Ask questions. Get clarification. Don’t hide anything from the person whom you say “I love you” to every day. This person should never see a mask on you. If you have to sneak to do it or lie to cover it up, then you shouldn’t be doing it....and this goes for dating or married. Don’t mask anything. Don’t lead people to believe something that isn’t true.

Drop your mask. Be yourself. Let others love you for who you truly are. I'd rather know the real you.

Clarity from God: Being Still, Being Obedient

Have you ever had a moment where there is no doubt it was God speaking to you? Like an "ah ha!" moment but so clear that you knew exactly what you needed to do? I had one of those recently and just today it was made crystal clear.

Let me tell you a story:
There once was a woman who wanted to fall in love, get married, have babies and live happily ever after. Well...life happened. She fell in love, got married, got her heart broken then divorced. She fell in love again a few years later, got pregnant, had a beautiful little boy, got her heart broken again. Then she met a nice guy who was crazy about her but she knew deep down that he wasn't who God had for her. Sound familiar? Then you know my story well.

The past few months have brought a new clarity to my life. I've learned some great lessons lately on leaning on God and listening to His words but the greatest lesson I've learned is to "Be Still." I had started feeling overwhelmed, rushed and not myself. I didn't want to lose the grip I had on Christ's robe as I felt like I was sinking deeper into this pit of anxiety and depression. I felt as if something were hovering over me and blinding me from God's word. As if something was playing "peek-a-boo" with my future and not letting me see the big picture. Then I heard God say "Be still. Focus on Me." It wasn't an audible voice....it was deep within my heart. As I was praying today, I felt the words "be still" come upon my heart again. Being a gal who loves Pinterest, I searched 'be still' just to find this scripture:

 

 

That was the crystal clear moment I had been waiting for. I had made a decision just a couple of weeks ago after hearing God say "Be Still. Focus on Me". I knew I was dating a man that was not who God had intended for me to be with. He was a very kind, generous man that I have nothing bad to say about. Everything had been rushed though. I didn't want to hurt him but I had to listen to God. Psalm 37:7 made it very clear to me that waiting patiently for God is not what we were doing. The uneasy feeling I was having all along was just God telling me to stop and keep my eyes on Him.

So many times in our lives we feel that we are helping God along the way by taking steps to make the desires of our hearts happen. But what we are missing is that God has your best interest at heart. We need to trust in His timing, not ours. I understand that more now than ever. When we rush things, we miss out on the blessings that He has for us. The waiting that we are doing is honoring Him. Be obedient in all that you do.

 

 

I know that God isn't done with me yet. I still have many lessons to learn and pray that my testimony may help someone one of these days. I do still desire to meet my #2 someday and make a life together honoring Christ in all that we do. Until that day comes, I will 'delight myself in the Lord' and I will keep my eyes on Christ alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death of a People Pleaser

All of my life I've been a people pleaser. I wanted to make sure everyone around me was happy. I never wanted to let anyone down and never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect all the time....

But all it left me with was worry. I would worry about how to make everything right and how to be super cautious with my words. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to fit in. So...I worried. All the time. 

It is written in the Bible hundreds of times "Do not be anxious". I knew that worry was not of God yet it consumed me and broke me down. I felt drained from it many days. I felt like I was being eaten alive.

Until I decided to take a stand. I do want others to be happy but I know that I cannot do that for them. I am human, just like everyone else, and I mess up. I cannot be someone's sole reason for happiness when that "void" should be filled by Jesus. I'm going to let you down because I'm not perfect. I will hurt your feelings because I will be honest and hold anyone accountable in the most non-judgmental way that I can. And there is no perfection on earth so I'm just going to let my house be messy sometimes even when someone shows up unexpectedly (P.S. be courteous. Call before you come over. And not when you're pulling into the driveway. That's rude.) The feeling of worry/anxiety is ugly. I assume it is something that is a big deal since it is talked about a lot in the Bible.

Recently, I got back into the habit of people-pleasing and it cost me my own happiness. It spun out of control real quick. I would fake a smile and say everything was alright when deep down, I was miserable. I felt numb. I felt like I was on auto-pilot. Others were encouraging and pushing me to do something that I wasn't ready for. I went with it saying "I'll keep trying. This must be what I'm supposed to do since everyone wants me to do this". But I had to make a decision. After much prayer, I made the best decision for me and my son. I chose to listen to God instead of people. And thankfully, I've been overwhelmed with support from those who truly have my best interest at heart. Those who were seeking God with me even when I didn't know it.

When people talk, the anxiety rises. But when God talks, there is a calmness that I can't explain. I could have saved myself from all of this worry if I had just listened to God and not people throughout my life. I don't regret anything because I know these were lessons God was trying to teach me. I can be stubborn at times so some lessons are harder for me to connect with than others.

What I have learned/been reminded of so far this year:
1. People will let you down. It's your choice as to how long you stay down.
2. Forgiveness is one of the most important things people can do. Even if it takes years.
3. Don't let others push you into doing something you're not comfortable with.
4. The only One to listen to is God. If you're uncomfortable about something, bring it to him. Place it at the foot of the cross.
5. Letting go of worry makes a world of difference in life. And it shows how little faith we have in Christ.
6. God is my protector, my healer and knows what is best for me.
7. Reading my Bible daily and really focusing on the Word of God brings peace & joy to my soul. I need it to live each day.
8. Desperation should only be towards God. You should only be desperate for him.
9.  I enjoy time to myself. And I don't get enough of it so I will enjoy every moment of life.
10. When I focus on serving, I will be serving to please God, not others.

When you have a gut feeling, I believe that is the Holy Spirit trying to tell you something. From now on, I'm focusing on Christ.

Awaken Your Passion!

Yesterday, I talked to two different people about how I miss my passion. I miss getting my camera out and capturing the beauty around me. I miss getting paint out to create my own little masterpieces of what is swirling around in my mind. I miss crafts and projects!

But what made me put this on hold? What made me feel like I didn't have the time to do what I loved most? Stress. Distractions. Chaos. All of these things that Satan knew would keep me from being myself....he threw it all in front of me. From work to squeezing my wallet to unnecessary busyness....all of it was a distraction. He threw my insecurities in my face. And I believed him for a while.

It's time for a change. It's time for my passion to awaken again. It's time for my mind to be free of the distractions, stress and chaos. But it won't all be with the camera or paint. My life is a canvas...it's time to show the world the beauty God has placed in me. My passion isn't just about the camera and canvas. My passion is the people who smile and enjoy life around me. I want those around me to see the beauty around them.

How may I do that? That's still a work in progress. I'm praying about it and waiting to see what God reveals to me. But one thing is for sure: something WILL happen. I don't know when or where or how, but God has big plans. Bigger plans than I could ever imagine.

Awaken your passion! Awaken your soul! And never, ever let the chaos around you keep you from being you! Your life is a canvas....make something of it.

DIY: The Frustration for Asking for Help

Last weekend I decided that I was going to change the windshield wipers on my car. I knew it was time when the wipers started to sound awful on my windshield. Determined to do it all by myself, I made a trip to the parts store and came home feeling a bit excited about my new adventure.

It took me two different times (about 20 minutes each time) just to take the old one off of the driver's side. The instructions were not very clear as to what I should have done. Plus, it was SUPER cold outside. I text a couple of my guy friends thinking "Hey...they're guys! And they have worked on cars before! They'll know what to do!" but still determined to do it on my own when they offered to come over when they had extra time to do so. After opening the new wiper blades for the drivers side, I learned that there are a few different types of hooks and such. My car has the "J hook". (Even today I'm not sure if it's the small or large J hook but at least I know more than I did before, right?!).

After many twists and turns, I gave up. It would not click. I was irritated and the feeling of failure struck. I wanted so badly to feel like I had accomplished this task on my own. I text one of the guy friends again and told him how I was feeling about the situation. He told me not only to chill but that it is fine to ask for help sometimes. I didn't want to ask for help because I am very capable of doing this on my own. I even sent him this silly pic of myself saying "I even look the part" followed by his response of "You look cute lol"

So, feeling discouraged, I found my way back to the parts store. The men there were super awesome about my ordeal. Turns out that the book that tells me what size of wipers I needed was wrong. I had bought the wrong size. And this turned out to be a blessing in disguise....they put the correct size wipers on and it saved me $10. I can't argue with that. Next time, I'll be more prepared....

So, the lesson I learned from this is that it's okay to ask for help even when I feel defeated. I've had this lesson many times in my life. This one is just a bit more light-hearted. And I'm thankful to have friends who believe in me, encourage me, push me, and support my decisions in the end. 

I'm not a girly-girl by any means, nor am I a tomboy. But I do want to learn how to care for things I've been blessed with (i.e. car, house, mower, etc...). And sometimes, that means I have to get my hands dirty. I'm thanking God for soap and hand sanitizer though. But it also means that I need to ask for help sometimes. I know I'll learn even by watching. 

And yes, I did look cute. :) 

The Fear of Breastfeeding

Growing up I had never been around anyone that breastfed their babies. I was always afraid of what it would be like. So many questions flooded my mind: Would it hurt? Would he/she get enough milk from me? What if I wanted a glass of wine? Would this or that hurt my baby if I ate or drank it? Where would I go to breastfeed? What if people stared? So I turned my head to the idea of ever breastfeeding. Fear was behind it all.

When I had become pregnant in 2008 with my son, the questions flooded my mind again. There was no way I was going to breastfeed him. I was a working mom. I hated the idea of having to pump. None of my friends had breastfed their children for more than 6-8 weeks because they said it either had hurt or they just didn’t have the time to. Thankfully, I had the encouragement from someone that I needed, my son’s doctor.  

Even though I was adamant not to breastfeed, I gave it a shot. And I’m so thankful that I did. It was difficult at first because my son had a hard time latching on and I still didn’t know if I wanted to do it. There were many times that I felt overwhelmed and cried and wanted to give up! It felt weird the first few times that we tried. Then after a while, it only felt weird for the first minute or two due to the pressure built up (engorging) then it just felt natural. What a relief! My favorite part was looking down at my son as he looked up at me knowing that he felt safe in my arms and that I was giving him the best of me. I had to slow down my schedule, let go of my selfishness and my fear….but it was the greatest decision I had made. The bond we formed during that time cannot be broken.

I had chosen to always find a comfortable place to nurse him. I chose not to breastfeed in public for a few reasons. One reason is that I wanted to feel comfortable as well as make sure he was comfortable. Sitting at a table or a park bench was not my idea of comfortable whatsoever. So, I would excuse myself when he was getting fussy and go into a dimly lit room for more privacy. There had been times that he would get very fussy so I had to make do with the environment I was in. I was thankful for the cover I had to place over him so that he could breathe and not get too hot under it. I know many friends that choose to nurse whenever and wherever…blanket or not. That’s your style. Everyone has their own opinion and own choice on the matter. I support you in whatever you choose to do because you are taking care of your child. God bless you for that.

After 6 months of nursing, which was my first ‘goal’, my son’s doctor had told me that I should go for at least a year. I struggled with this as I was already back at work and having to find a place to use that stupid pump that I hated with a passion. I wanted to continue to help him but my work place was not ideal for a breastfeeding mom. But I pressed on. This wasn’t about me. It was about the health of my child. Thankfully, I work with some amazing people who encouraged me daily to do what I needed to do for my son. They opened up their offices and let me have the privacy I needed to make sure I was still giving my son my all. It was embarrassing for me at first to ask for a place to pump but my boobs were hurting and I was feeling cranky. I would take a few breaks every couple of hours just to pump. I bet it would have been a funny sight to see me pumping and eating my own lunch at the same time! But I had to do what I had to do. 

I nursed my son for 22 months...he is now 5 years old. Yeah, I’ve gotten grief over that from others. And I’m so glad that my son never bit me after his teeth had come in. That may seem like a long time to some but because of that, my son is healthy today. My son and I are inseparable. And if I could do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat! I honestly believe it is one of the best decisions a mother can make for her child. I did not strictly breastfeed. We did supplement with formula because I did not produce enough all the time but do not be ashamed if you have to do this. Breastfeeding is the best gift you can give your child. And when it seems to get too tough, press on. You will be thankful you did! And your child will be thankful, too!

Let's Get Real Here....

The series "#struggles" at Lifechurch.tv has been a fantastic series! I am being challenged to be more real with myself and with those around me. We all have struggles. Some are more challenging than others but everyone deals with them on different levels. I personally do not post a lot of my struggles on Facebook because I'm not looking for a pity party or advice. If I wanted advice, I would call or text you. It's a more personal kind of thing for me. But I am going to share some of my struggles in this post.

I am a 33 year old single mother to a smart, funny, sweet little boy that I would do anything for. If you've seen my Facebook or my Instagram posts, you would know how crazy I am about him. It's not always sunshine and rainbows though. There are many moments where I want to cry and I feel like I am failing as a mother. An example would be last week when I got a call from the school counselor telling me to pick up my son from school for bad behavior. My first reaction was "Not my little angel!" but lo & behold, he was acting up in class in a disrespectful way. He had pushed his teacher because he was mad then threw some books which unfortunately bounced off the floor and hit one of his classmates. This is embarrassing to me because I didn't raise him to act like a fool yet he was being impulsive and let his emotions get the best of him. It's a lesson to be learned....& it's a struggle for him right now as well as myself. He's a good boy who made some bad choices and consequences are now in action.

I've struggled with self esteem issues for years. I had been afraid of disappointing others for so long that I thought I would go crazy as a teenager. I still struggle with shyness at times but I've learned a lot about life and I know I don't have to be a people-pleaser. I still don't feel good when I disappoint others. It makes my insides feel yucky but I know I can't make everyone happy and that's okay. I'm not here on earth to make everyone happy. 

For many years I felt like I wasn't good enough for a relationship. I went through a divorce in 2006 and it crushed me. In my mind, I felt like if I couldn't keep my marriage going then how could I make anyone else happy. I pushed so hard to save my marriage but he left anyway. I look back on all of this now & laugh because my thinking was so wrong! One single person cannot be the sole happiness of another. That spot in your life belongs to Christ. Yes, I do long to share my life with a man who would adore me but he won't take the space in my heart that belongs to Christ nor do I expect to take Christ's spot in his heart. God first, spouse second. I believe that more now than ever. I've dated a couple of guys here & there since then with the same result. And I've asked "what's wrong with me?" when in actuality, it wasn't always about me. I own my pieces of this grand puzzle. And without a doubt, I know that God is listening to my prayers. My prayer is specific when it comes to this and that is why the other relationships have not worked. And I'm thankful now that they didn't because I wouldn't have the best of what God has for me. *Thank you, God, for loving me so much that you would protect me (and my son) from what you don't want for me (us). I know YOU know what is best for me*

One last struggle of mine is being sympathetic/empathetic to certain people. I try to be nice but when you whine ALL the time, I shut down. I truly want to be kind but I have to step away sometimes because of the overwhelming feeling I get of just wanting to run away from you. Not everyone gets under my skin but there are a few that I just put my ear buds in & let the music take me away. I don't want to act like I care if I don't. But I don't want to miss the opportunity to love someone who needs to be loved either. I feel like this is a huge battle that I am never going to win because my human self wants to run but I feel God tug at my heart sometimes and He tells me to just listen. There may be something under all the whining that needs to be uncovered. It's a true struggle for me. I love people. I am empathetic to 98% of the people I come in contact with. But there are some that I truly struggle with. And it hurts me to admit this one struggle because I don't like when others shut me out yet this is what I want to do with these certain unnamed people. "Do unto others as you would have them do to you" rings in my ears as my brain screams "SHUT UP ALREADY!" to the people who are a constant negative in my life. 

In the end, I know that my #struggles are tools to strengthen me. They are lessons to be learned. Ways to get me to trust God on a deeper level than before. 

(Disclaimer: Some of these struggles are things from the past. Some are from today. This does not mean that anyone has failed me nor does it mean that I want sympathy. This is just my way of being real with you. Many people, including myself, post our highlight reels not our behind the scenes. I believe there are just some things we do not need to post for the world to see. Those that I am close to know my struggles and they do life with me day to day and I am thankful for them).

Bowling Adventures!

Just a quick little post since I'm learning how to post pictures finally. I took Em bowling last week and he had a blast! Looks like we may have found a new little hobby. He wasn't bored at all and the laughter coming out of him was delightful! This kiddo is my heart and soul! I'm so very proud of the boy he is turning into: polite, cuddly, super sweet, curious about everything, so very loving.....he is a true blessing! I cannot thank God enough for choosing me to be his mommy!

Change Your Perspective

I received a compliment last night that made my night. I was told through a friend that another friend said that I was 'the kindest, sweetest girl' he had met. At one time, I would have taken that compliment as something negative. I had in my mind at a point in time that those words were just a way of saying that I was a weak person. Now I can respond to it with the phrase "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness" and a big ol' "Thank you". I want others to see the love of Christ in my eyes and through my actions. I want others to see that kindness and sweetness are genuinely wonderful characteristics. We have been called to love others as Christ loves the church. Showing kindness is a way of showing that love. And the sweetness...that's just an added bonus. (It's just comes naturally for me. lol). There have been some bumps in the road as I traveled through life that tried to ruin me. I have felt the pain of anxiety, depression, body image issues...but my eyes have been opened to how Christ sees me now. I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Christ looks at me like a man looks at his bride walking down the aisle. He is in awe of me. And I'm not the only one! Women...we need to set our eyes on Christ & Christ alone. Stop listening to the lies the enemy feeds you. You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You were made in His image. You have a purpose. You are talented. We all see our own flaws but Christ sees us perfectly. And if you're on the run from Him, stop. Let Him embrace you. Let Him comfort you and heal your wounds. Again, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I pray that your eyes will be opened to how amazing you truly are....and this is not only for the women but the men also. Each of us have a set of talents, a set of gifts that were hand-picked by God for us. Use them. You have a purpose. And last but not least, I pray that all of you whom read this will be blessed today and always. Count those blessings around you. They are all around us. "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11.

I Am Not Good...But I Know One Who Is

(I scribbled this on a notepad around 1am this morning when I woke up from a deep sleep and couldn't go back to sleep. I don't know exactly why I couldn't go back to sleep or why I had the urge to write but I pray that these words will help someone today somehow.) A friend of mine told me last week that she doesn't feel like she could ever be as 'good of a person' as me. I had to laugh and explain some things to her. I am not good. I am human. I make mistakes like everybody else. I have fears. I have doubts. I second guess myself. I am not perfect whatsoever. I stress over things I can't control. And there are times that I have trouble letting go. I have poor self-image at times and long to be called "beautiful". I am just a woman. And I choose not to let all of those negativities be public (until now...without full details, that is!). Don't judge a book by it's cover. Whether the person seems 'good' or 'bad', we all have our own silent troubles. There are days that I feel like I am stuck in a valley of negativity. But....I serve a perfect God. When I fall, He picks me up. He forgives me and shows me how to forgive others. He loves me & shows me how to love others. He stirs my heart and makes me new. When I cry out in desperation due to a broken heart or fears that swirl in my mind, He listens and comforts me. He provides when I feel like I have nothing. He is there when I feel so utterly alone. He calls me 'beautiful' when I feel at my worst. But best of all, He calls me His daughter, even though I am unworthy of His love and admiration. I may not be perfect in your sight but I am perfect in His sight. He fulfills my soul. My God is perfect in all ways. I am not good.......but I know the One who is.

I long for answers....but I trust you.

Over the past 5 years, I've had an array of emotions over the death of a great friend of mine. Some days I've felt sadness...missing him. Some days I've felt anger...how could he take his own life?! And some days I've felt happiness...he isn't silently hurting anymore. There have been many confusing days as well. Confusing as in not understanding why this happened...why the closure hasn't come. Why the pain is still there...even though it has faded. In life, we may never get full answers. It's not only with situations as painful as this one is to me. We may not feel like we've gotten full answers to why certain things have happened or are happening to us. Or why we have prayed so hard for someone or something and it seems like nothing has changed. I've learned to accept the things I cannot change. To accept that Christ is in total control. I'm still learning how to lean on Him fully but I know that if I don't get answers right here, right now...that's okay. I serve a God who knows all. And I will continue to trust Him. My dear friend, Eric, struggled with a pain deeper than I've ever known. I don't know his full story or why he decided to do what he did. But I do know that he was very much loved by family & friends. Anyone who reads this: please talk to someone if you're hurting. There is hope in all situations. In all circumstances. Suicide is never the answer. And you are never alone.

Inevitable Change

I'll admit that I do not like change. A little here & there is fine but just like dipping my toes in the pool before getting in, that's how I feel about change. I like to take it slow. Inch my way into something new & different. There are some changes happening in my life right now. Changes that have pros & cons. A few changes that I have no control over. Some changes that make me smile...& some that make me want to cry. I have always been a full-time mommy but now I have my son every day. I absolutely LOVE this part. I get to see his smiling face every day now & it fills my heart with so much joy. My favorite little guy has a lot of changes going on in his life and I have to be strong for him. He will start Pre-K in a couple of weeks and, just like his mommy, he doesn't like change much either. That is why he has refused to move up in classes at church...he feels most comfortable in his last class setting. There is another more personal thing going on that we need prayer for but this is not the place to go into details. Another change for me that gives me mixed feelings is that one of my best friends is moving away. This man means so much to me. More than he'll ever know. I'm so proud of where he is going in life and how God is truly blessing him with a great career but my greedy self wants to keep him here because I'll miss seeing him. I'll miss being around him. (Thank God for FaceTime, texting & phone calls....& vehicles to help us travel.) A part of my heart is moving to Texas. When looking at all of these big changes, I can't help but wonder where God is leading us. Many thoughts of the past have come up lately...not out of fear or sadness but to bring about the wisdom I need to work through these changes. I hated the situations I was in & even seeing the situations that friends/family had been in that have brought about this wisdom but now I know why so much has happened. It was all to prepare me for the days to come. I thank God for the knowledge I need for this.

In The Beginning.....

I have a confession. I don't always understand what I read in the Bible. I know that I am like many others who open their Bible and think "what did I just read?" But then there are days that it just hits me. BAM! And it all makes sense. I've read the story of Adam & Eve many times. The ideas that stick with me from their story: they were the first to walk this earth. Eve was made out of one of Adam's ribs. They were oblivious to the fact that they were naked until they ate an apple that a snake persuaded them to eat. I hate snakes. And I'm not a real big fan of apples. I started reading a devotional on YouVersion called "She Reads Truth: Women In The Bible: Part 1" this morning. It makes sense that the first woman we'd read about is Eve. We focused on how she was made. The main points were: She was made in God's image (how cool is that?!). She was given God's blessing and favor. She was created for community (so that she may complement Adam). She was made from Adam's rib....and a quote that I absolutely LOVE from Matthew Henry that is a part of this devo about Eve is: "not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled on by him, but out of his side to be EQUAL to him, under his arm to be PROTECTED, and near his heart to be BELOVED." That is one of my absolute FAVORITE quotes. Eve was created for harmony, not shame. God was pleased when he made her. He looked at her as his masterpiece. If you look deeper into this story and focus on the beginning and not the sin that she commits later, Eve was formed with delicate care. And we were formed just like her. I've never really thought about it before. I've always thought "Yeah, I was born. Whatever." But just like Eve, we were made by the loving hands of our Father. He took his time in putting us together. He knew exactly what He wanted us to look like. God created us in His own image. He created us with an intense love. I don't know about you, but I think that's awesome. And it makes me feel a deeper love for my Father in heaven. The One who took His precious time in creating me. The One who loved me enough to breathe life into my lungs. We take so much for granted. After reading this devotional, I feel like I have a new perspective on the beginning of life. Sometimes I forget that we are truly made in God's image. We are all blessings. We are put here on this earth at just the right time. God is good....All the time!

Fear Not For I Am With You

I thought it was over. The skies were clear when I decided to give my son a bath. Once again, he fought me. There wasn't enough water in the tub. There was too much water in the tub. He wanted bubbles...but not the Cars bubbles...he wanted the Dora bubbles. I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed with his demands. After the fifth time of me telling him to get himself clean with the soap, I got a call from my mom saying that there was a tornado coming my way. My heart raced as I rushed my son out of the tub so I could drain it & we could hop back in & take cover. Luckily, I still had an emergency bag in the hallway from last week's storm scare. Trying to explain what was happening and staying calm at the same time was a struggle. I hate tornadoes. Always have. And quite possibly always will. The hatred for these kind of storms has grown deeper since my son was born. I want to protect him. This momma lion was ready to protect him at all costs last night. My son wasn't too happy about having to get out of the tub to get dried off and ready for shelter. The battle started. As I was drying him off, he pushed and squirmed. He told me to leave him alone and that he wanted to get back in the tub to get clean (uhmm...hello, kiddo?! what did mommy say like 5 minutes ago?!). After the short battle of getting him to put his underwear on, I was finally able to grab the emergency bag, my purse, my keys, my cell & the charger, some blankets and some pillows. Man, oh, man do I wish we had a bigger tub! It was quite cramped in there. A new battle started with my child in the tub. The toys that I grabbed were not the ones he wanted. As my heart raced some more as the tornado sirens started to blare, I grabbed my son, held him tight and said "We need to pray, Emerson. There is a tornado coming this way. We need to be safe. I need you to trust mommy right now." He finally calmed down a little. We prayed a prayer of safety over our family, friends and ourselves. The sirens went off. But being an Okie and knowing how all of this works from past experience, we stayed in the tub a little bit longer. The sirens went off for a second time. My son mentioned the sound of 'the train'...all I could hear was the siren so I figure that he was talking about that. The storm finally passed us. We were safe. Alive. Well. I don't think my phone has ever had so much activity on it at the same time as it did last night. Text after text. I didn't have service so I couldn't call anyone. Talk about feeling helpless! I didn't want anyone to worry about us since we were fine. Texts from my mom, my dad, my best friends, my church family flooded my phone. And even though I wasn't able to call anyone, I was still able to text them back. I felt the love of my family & friends wrap around Emerson & I last night. I am deeply moved by all the support and concern these wonderful people showed for us. I didn't fully understand the depth of all the concern until this morning when I watched the news. This tornado touched down about a mile from my home. That's a bit too close for comfort. But today more than ever I am thanking God for his protection. I am thanking God for his arms being wrapped around my son & I last night. We still have a job to do while we are here on this earth. And that job is to lead people to become fully devoted followers of Christ. Thank you, Jesus, for a new day!

Distraction...

Ever feel distracted? Like when you are so focused then something catches your eye & you lose that focus? I feel it. I feel it in a big, bad way. And I don't like it. These distractions happen every so often to try to get our focus off of 'the One'. And by 'the One', I mean, God. The past few weeks have been filled with ups and downs in my life...distractions that are trying to pull me away from my focus. It started with the deaths of my great-uncle and a friend of mine. I took my first big hits then. But that didn't take my full focus away. I know that those two beautiful souls are enjoying the presence of Jesus now. The next hit was the big hit and it was most painful. My heart still hurts over this and it is something that I need to keep private. Something that I am still trying to figure out but learning to let it go as well. It is out of my control. With these occurrences, this verse comes to mind: 1 Peter 5:8 (NIV) "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." When you know that you are on the right track & you have your eyes focused on the cross, the devil is ready for attack. He is ready to tear you apart...rip you to shreds! Satan will throw little 'distractions' out there to get your eyes off of Christ. With me, he tried to distract me with sad thoughts and fear after deaths. I was torn up after my friend, KJ, passed away because she left behind two cats that her family & friends did not want to care for. I took them in and my allergies went ballistic! Never in my life have I EVER had an allergic reaction to cats. I mean, hey, I'm a cat person! When I was a child, I would tell people that I wanted a cat farm when I grew up. (So thankful that God opened my eyes to this one & I only have 2 little fur babies to care for). I had to give those cats up after one night of them being in my home. I honestly felt like I had let down my friend. In my heart, I felt like I was taking care of her babies (KJ was a single woman with no kids...her furry babies were her kids). So I grieved. I cried. I had anxiety attacks like I had several years ago before I gave it all to Christ! And I thought "what is wrong with me?! This isn't me anymore!" With the "private" situation, Satan attacked my mind with thoughts of never being able to trust anyone. My mind was flooded with thoughts of the past pain I had overcome. With pain that I had dealt with for years and finally felt like I had been able to move past it within the past year or so. I began to think thoughts like "Why?! This isn't fair! Not again!" And that's when I dove into the Word of God! I've been reading a devotional called "She Reads Truth: Prayer in the Bible" and recently completed "She Reads Truth: Philippians & Colossians". These devotionals have helped me crawl out of this dark hole that I feel like I've been thrown into. My focus is still not where I want it to be completely, but I see Christ's hand reaching for me & helping me get out of this funk. My stubborn side is still saying "you can handle this on your own!" yet my mind is saying "Girl, get your act together. Christ is calling...you better hold tight to him!" "Rejoice in confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." Romans 12:12 NLT. My hope is found in Jesus. This too shall pass and may God's will be done.

Life After Death....

Today would have been Eric's 32nd birthday. Oh how I wish we could go out and celebrate with him. As I fell asleep last night, I felt an overwhelming sadness of missing my friend...knowing that today was his birthday. Has it really been almost five years since he died?! So much has happened in these five years and healing has been steady but it doesn't mean that I don't think about him often and that I don't miss him. Sgt. Kent Eric McCloskey....a comical, loving, give you the shirt off his back kind of man. I've never met someone like him before. He was some kind of special. I remember the first time I had met him. My heart broke for him since he had just gotten back from serving in Iraq to find that his wife was being unfaithful to him. Since I had recently gone through a divorce myself, he & I hit it off real quickly. We were able to confide in each other and build each other up through tough times. He went back to Iraq for another tour shortly after I had met him. We kept up through MySpace, email and the occasional phone call. Through those messages, I had found my best friend. Eric loved his job in the Army. In fact, he was excited about going back to war. The reason: he wanted to protect his daughters. The things that he saw over there, he wanted to keep it over there so that his daughters would be safe here. And for that, I call him a hero. Eric stayed with Chacie and I one weekend around Christmas 2007. Sadly, I didn't know that was going to be the last time that I would see his face in person. I didn't know that would be the last time I'd get to hug him. It was a weekend I'd never forget. From laughs about him picking up a hitchhiker on his way from Texas to Oklahoma to singing "Ride wit Me" in the car on our way to the bar....those memories will forever be in my mind. The last conversation I had with Eric wasn't the most pleasant. He had told me that he & his wife were trying to work things out and that she didn't want him to talk to any of his female friends anymore. Then he went on to pick at me for dating Lee (Emerson's dad) and calling him "Frankenstein" and that I could do better. In hindsight, I should have listened to him. The date was Friday, August 15, 2008....I was driving to work at 7:30am when I got a call from Chacie. She was due to have Kaylee in a few short weeks so my heart was racing thinking that she was going into labor! But when I answered the phone, Chacie wasn't excited at all. All she said was "I need you to come to my house right now." As I was driving there, I started to cry thinking "Oh, Dear God, please let Chacie & Kaylee be okay!"....not knowing the pain that would follow. When I got into the house, Chacie was sitting in the recliner, very quiet and trying to stay calm. The first words out of her mouth will forever bring tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. That was when she told me that Eric was dead. Eric had shot himself. Even as I'm typing this, the tears flow and my hands are shaky. I've tried many times to just put this behind me and not think about it but I have to face it. My best friend is gone...and I couldn't help him. There have been many times that I've yelled at myself for not calling him to check on him. But I didn't know how he was doing because he wasn't 'allowed' to talk to his friends anymore. There have been many times that I blamed her, thinking that she pulled the trigger. And honestly, I still have my doubts. I still want to believe that Eric wouldn't do that, that he was a strong, powerful man that loved his family and his friends more than anything. I still have so many questions. I am thankful to have met this man. Eric showed me what it was like to be a faithful friend. He showed me what it was like to give without anything holding me back. He showed me that even when you have a huge fear, go for it anyway. And with that, I thank him for being in my life at just the right time. Eric helped the painful wounds of my divorce heal. He helped me find a smile again. And that is what I hold onto with his memory. I wouldn't have ever had met Eric if it weren't for my roommate/best friend, Chacie. I know that Chacie loved her brother more than anything. And he talked about how much he loved his sister often. What a blessing the two of them are to me.