Today, I read some pages that really made me think. When I opened the book today, I went in thinking "what am I going to read about that will help me become more aware of those around me and their love languages? How can I make someone feel loved today?" I didn't know that it would make me take a deeper look at my dating life (which I've put on the back burner lately because I feel that I need "me" time right now...for spiritual & personal growth). The chapter was titled "Dating Relationships: Should Love Lead to Marriage?".
***Note: this may sound a little like a book report but these are the notes in this chapter alone that stood out to me and I'll probably go back to this blog to refresh my memory in a few months.***
As a single person, ask yourself why you are dating. Are you dating because you want companionship? Sex? Love? Social acceptance? Security? All of those things are great and wonderful but the purpose of marriage runs deeper than that. It is written in the Bible that "It is not good for the man to be alone." So, God made woman. One of humanity's deepest needs/desires is a union of life with another. We desire connection. Gary Chapman wrote "The supreme purpose of marriage is the union of a man and woman at the deepest possible level and in all areas of life, which in turn brings the greatest possible sense of fulfillment to the couple and best serves the purposes of God for their lives."
What is your goal in getting married/your marriage? There are basic areas of your life that you should examine before getting married, according to this book. Intellectual unity, Social unity, Emotional unity, Spiritual unity, and Physical unity.
Intellectual unity....books you read, read the newspaper regularly, magazines, TV shows you watch & amount of education you both have. You should be able to communicate on the same intellectual levels.
Social unity....sports fans, musical interests, recreational activities....social growth ought to begin before marriage. Discuss your self-concept as compared with how you appear to others with your partner.
Emotional unity....this one stood out to me in a big way....feeling loved, respected, and appreciated. Dr. Chapman wrote "To feel loved is to have the sense that the other person genuinely cares about your well-being. Respect has to do with feeling that your potential spouse has positive regard for your personhood, intellect, abilities, and personality. Appreciation is the inner sense that your partner values your contribution to the relationship." Respect begins with attitude and means that you give the other person freedom to be an individual. I've seen others lose themselves in relationships and then their relationship ends and they are struggling to find their own identity again.
Spiritual unity....this is more than "we go to church together." This is more than your 'church membership' or that you serve every Sunday. This is spiritual growth together. Spiritual foundations are important because they influence all areas of life and unity!
Physical unity....a good reminder that 'sexual intercourse does not create intimacy'. Dr. Chapman points out that 'sex outside of marriage often sidetracks the process of building intimacy and becomes itself a source of great pain physically and emotionally.'
Lastly, Dealing with Scars....the last portion of this chapter that spoke to me on a deeper level this time than it ever had before. When dealing with your scars remember that marriage has no closets for skeletons. The past cannot be changed. Trust your partner to accept you as you are, not as he/she might wish you were. The points Dr. Chapman brought up may hit you hard. Face it and deal with it. If you want total unity in a marriage, "making a wise decision about whom you marry is the first step in lifelong, satisfying marriage."
Now...the time to get real and raw with you. After reading this chapter, I'm happy with my decision to focus on me right now. There are still areas that I need to grow in and I don't know how long that will be but I need to face some things and deal with them. And I'm okay with that. To be able to give my best, I want/need to be at my best. And I'm not there right now. But I do believe God is working in me. I do believe that He is preparing me for something so much greater than I could EVER imagine! And that puts an excitement into my soul. Even though God has not revealed whom He intends for me to be with, I will continue to pray for him each day...prayers of strength, growth, pursuit of God, safety, and blessings.
God bless you all!
