I am a 33 year old single mother to a smart, funny, sweet little boy that I would do anything for. If you've seen my Facebook or my Instagram posts, you would know how crazy I am about him. It's not always sunshine and rainbows though. There are many moments where I want to cry and I feel like I am failing as a mother. An example would be last week when I got a call from the school counselor telling me to pick up my son from school for bad behavior. My first reaction was "Not my little angel!" but lo & behold, he was acting up in class in a disrespectful way. He had pushed his teacher because he was mad then threw some books which unfortunately bounced off the floor and hit one of his classmates. This is embarrassing to me because I didn't raise him to act like a fool yet he was being impulsive and let his emotions get the best of him. It's a lesson to be learned....& it's a struggle for him right now as well as myself. He's a good boy who made some bad choices and consequences are now in action.
I've struggled with self esteem issues for years. I had been afraid of disappointing others for so long that I thought I would go crazy as a teenager. I still struggle with shyness at times but I've learned a lot about life and I know I don't have to be a people-pleaser. I still don't feel good when I disappoint others. It makes my insides feel yucky but I know I can't make everyone happy and that's okay. I'm not here on earth to make everyone happy.
For many years I felt like I wasn't good enough for a relationship. I went through a divorce in 2006 and it crushed me. In my mind, I felt like if I couldn't keep my marriage going then how could I make anyone else happy. I pushed so hard to save my marriage but he left anyway. I look back on all of this now & laugh because my thinking was so wrong! One single person cannot be the sole happiness of another. That spot in your life belongs to Christ. Yes, I do long to share my life with a man who would adore me but he won't take the space in my heart that belongs to Christ nor do I expect to take Christ's spot in his heart. God first, spouse second. I believe that more now than ever. I've dated a couple of guys here & there since then with the same result. And I've asked "what's wrong with me?" when in actuality, it wasn't always about me. I own my pieces of this grand puzzle. And without a doubt, I know that God is listening to my prayers. My prayer is specific when it comes to this and that is why the other relationships have not worked. And I'm thankful now that they didn't because I wouldn't have the best of what God has for me. *Thank you, God, for loving me so much that you would protect me (and my son) from what you don't want for me (us). I know YOU know what is best for me*
One last struggle of mine is being sympathetic/empathetic to certain people. I try to be nice but when you whine ALL the time, I shut down. I truly want to be kind but I have to step away sometimes because of the overwhelming feeling I get of just wanting to run away from you. Not everyone gets under my skin but there are a few that I just put my ear buds in & let the music take me away. I don't want to act like I care if I don't. But I don't want to miss the opportunity to love someone who needs to be loved either. I feel like this is a huge battle that I am never going to win because my human self wants to run but I feel God tug at my heart sometimes and He tells me to just listen. There may be something under all the whining that needs to be uncovered. It's a true struggle for me. I love people. I am empathetic to 98% of the people I come in contact with. But there are some that I truly struggle with. And it hurts me to admit this one struggle because I don't like when others shut me out yet this is what I want to do with these certain unnamed people. "Do unto others as you would have them do to you" rings in my ears as my brain screams "SHUT UP ALREADY!" to the people who are a constant negative in my life.
In the end, I know that my #struggles are tools to strengthen me. They are lessons to be learned. Ways to get me to trust God on a deeper level than before.
(Disclaimer: Some of these struggles are things from the past. Some are from today. This does not mean that anyone has failed me nor does it mean that I want sympathy. This is just my way of being real with you. Many people, including myself, post our highlight reels not our behind the scenes. I believe there are just some things we do not need to post for the world to see. Those that I am close to know my struggles and they do life with me day to day and I am thankful for them).
