The Fear of Breastfeeding

Growing up I had never been around anyone that breastfed their babies. I was always afraid of what it would be like. So many questions flooded my mind: Would it hurt? Would he/she get enough milk from me? What if I wanted a glass of wine? Would this or that hurt my baby if I ate or drank it? Where would I go to breastfeed? What if people stared? So I turned my head to the idea of ever breastfeeding. Fear was behind it all.

When I had become pregnant in 2008 with my son, the questions flooded my mind again. There was no way I was going to breastfeed him. I was a working mom. I hated the idea of having to pump. None of my friends had breastfed their children for more than 6-8 weeks because they said it either had hurt or they just didn’t have the time to. Thankfully, I had the encouragement from someone that I needed, my son’s doctor.  

Even though I was adamant not to breastfeed, I gave it a shot. And I’m so thankful that I did. It was difficult at first because my son had a hard time latching on and I still didn’t know if I wanted to do it. There were many times that I felt overwhelmed and cried and wanted to give up! It felt weird the first few times that we tried. Then after a while, it only felt weird for the first minute or two due to the pressure built up (engorging) then it just felt natural. What a relief! My favorite part was looking down at my son as he looked up at me knowing that he felt safe in my arms and that I was giving him the best of me. I had to slow down my schedule, let go of my selfishness and my fear….but it was the greatest decision I had made. The bond we formed during that time cannot be broken.

I had chosen to always find a comfortable place to nurse him. I chose not to breastfeed in public for a few reasons. One reason is that I wanted to feel comfortable as well as make sure he was comfortable. Sitting at a table or a park bench was not my idea of comfortable whatsoever. So, I would excuse myself when he was getting fussy and go into a dimly lit room for more privacy. There had been times that he would get very fussy so I had to make do with the environment I was in. I was thankful for the cover I had to place over him so that he could breathe and not get too hot under it. I know many friends that choose to nurse whenever and wherever…blanket or not. That’s your style. Everyone has their own opinion and own choice on the matter. I support you in whatever you choose to do because you are taking care of your child. God bless you for that.

After 6 months of nursing, which was my first ‘goal’, my son’s doctor had told me that I should go for at least a year. I struggled with this as I was already back at work and having to find a place to use that stupid pump that I hated with a passion. I wanted to continue to help him but my work place was not ideal for a breastfeeding mom. But I pressed on. This wasn’t about me. It was about the health of my child. Thankfully, I work with some amazing people who encouraged me daily to do what I needed to do for my son. They opened up their offices and let me have the privacy I needed to make sure I was still giving my son my all. It was embarrassing for me at first to ask for a place to pump but my boobs were hurting and I was feeling cranky. I would take a few breaks every couple of hours just to pump. I bet it would have been a funny sight to see me pumping and eating my own lunch at the same time! But I had to do what I had to do. 

I nursed my son for 22 months...he is now 5 years old. Yeah, I’ve gotten grief over that from others. And I’m so glad that my son never bit me after his teeth had come in. That may seem like a long time to some but because of that, my son is healthy today. My son and I are inseparable. And if I could do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat! I honestly believe it is one of the best decisions a mother can make for her child. I did not strictly breastfeed. We did supplement with formula because I did not produce enough all the time but do not be ashamed if you have to do this. Breastfeeding is the best gift you can give your child. And when it seems to get too tough, press on. You will be thankful you did! And your child will be thankful, too!

Let's Get Real Here....

The series "#struggles" at Lifechurch.tv has been a fantastic series! I am being challenged to be more real with myself and with those around me. We all have struggles. Some are more challenging than others but everyone deals with them on different levels. I personally do not post a lot of my struggles on Facebook because I'm not looking for a pity party or advice. If I wanted advice, I would call or text you. It's a more personal kind of thing for me. But I am going to share some of my struggles in this post.

I am a 33 year old single mother to a smart, funny, sweet little boy that I would do anything for. If you've seen my Facebook or my Instagram posts, you would know how crazy I am about him. It's not always sunshine and rainbows though. There are many moments where I want to cry and I feel like I am failing as a mother. An example would be last week when I got a call from the school counselor telling me to pick up my son from school for bad behavior. My first reaction was "Not my little angel!" but lo & behold, he was acting up in class in a disrespectful way. He had pushed his teacher because he was mad then threw some books which unfortunately bounced off the floor and hit one of his classmates. This is embarrassing to me because I didn't raise him to act like a fool yet he was being impulsive and let his emotions get the best of him. It's a lesson to be learned....& it's a struggle for him right now as well as myself. He's a good boy who made some bad choices and consequences are now in action.

I've struggled with self esteem issues for years. I had been afraid of disappointing others for so long that I thought I would go crazy as a teenager. I still struggle with shyness at times but I've learned a lot about life and I know I don't have to be a people-pleaser. I still don't feel good when I disappoint others. It makes my insides feel yucky but I know I can't make everyone happy and that's okay. I'm not here on earth to make everyone happy. 

For many years I felt like I wasn't good enough for a relationship. I went through a divorce in 2006 and it crushed me. In my mind, I felt like if I couldn't keep my marriage going then how could I make anyone else happy. I pushed so hard to save my marriage but he left anyway. I look back on all of this now & laugh because my thinking was so wrong! One single person cannot be the sole happiness of another. That spot in your life belongs to Christ. Yes, I do long to share my life with a man who would adore me but he won't take the space in my heart that belongs to Christ nor do I expect to take Christ's spot in his heart. God first, spouse second. I believe that more now than ever. I've dated a couple of guys here & there since then with the same result. And I've asked "what's wrong with me?" when in actuality, it wasn't always about me. I own my pieces of this grand puzzle. And without a doubt, I know that God is listening to my prayers. My prayer is specific when it comes to this and that is why the other relationships have not worked. And I'm thankful now that they didn't because I wouldn't have the best of what God has for me. *Thank you, God, for loving me so much that you would protect me (and my son) from what you don't want for me (us). I know YOU know what is best for me*

One last struggle of mine is being sympathetic/empathetic to certain people. I try to be nice but when you whine ALL the time, I shut down. I truly want to be kind but I have to step away sometimes because of the overwhelming feeling I get of just wanting to run away from you. Not everyone gets under my skin but there are a few that I just put my ear buds in & let the music take me away. I don't want to act like I care if I don't. But I don't want to miss the opportunity to love someone who needs to be loved either. I feel like this is a huge battle that I am never going to win because my human self wants to run but I feel God tug at my heart sometimes and He tells me to just listen. There may be something under all the whining that needs to be uncovered. It's a true struggle for me. I love people. I am empathetic to 98% of the people I come in contact with. But there are some that I truly struggle with. And it hurts me to admit this one struggle because I don't like when others shut me out yet this is what I want to do with these certain unnamed people. "Do unto others as you would have them do to you" rings in my ears as my brain screams "SHUT UP ALREADY!" to the people who are a constant negative in my life. 

In the end, I know that my #struggles are tools to strengthen me. They are lessons to be learned. Ways to get me to trust God on a deeper level than before. 

(Disclaimer: Some of these struggles are things from the past. Some are from today. This does not mean that anyone has failed me nor does it mean that I want sympathy. This is just my way of being real with you. Many people, including myself, post our highlight reels not our behind the scenes. I believe there are just some things we do not need to post for the world to see. Those that I am close to know my struggles and they do life with me day to day and I am thankful for them).

Bowling Adventures!

Just a quick little post since I'm learning how to post pictures finally. I took Em bowling last week and he had a blast! Looks like we may have found a new little hobby. He wasn't bored at all and the laughter coming out of him was delightful! This kiddo is my heart and soul! I'm so very proud of the boy he is turning into: polite, cuddly, super sweet, curious about everything, so very loving.....he is a true blessing! I cannot thank God enough for choosing me to be his mommy!