Fear Cannot Control Us

My heart aches for the families effected by the tragedy in CT. Innocent children and educators losing their lives. I haven't listened to the news/media since Friday...until this morning when I turned the radio on while I was driving to work. All of the fear that was projected out of my speakers made my stomach turn. When I had read the stories on Friay, all I could think about was I want to comfort them. My natural reaction to any sort of tragedy is embrace those who are hurting. It is a feeling (I can even categorize it as an urge) to wrap my arms around them and let them know that they are loved, they are special and that they will be okay. It's not one of those weird Sheldon moments were I would say "oh, there, there" but it's a deep desire to help those who are hurting. I had studied psychology for a while, thinking it was my calling in life to become a therapist/counselor at one point in my life. I couldn't handle it after working in a psych hospital for 5 years. All of the negativity consumed me. I had to get out of that line of work or it would destroy me. The talk now is on gun control, mental illness and safety. I personally think that we need to all be held accountable for our actions. Every person is different and every person will react differently to a variety of situations. My opinion is that Americans are over-prescribed medications to help control their beings. I know that there are some serious mental illnesses that need to be treated but I think a lot of doctors today are happy to prescribe anyone anything. The world has become so busy that parents are not giving their own children the attention they deserve. We must do this to be able to get that...why don't you slow down & listen to your child for a moment?! Invest your time into your child. Encourage them. Spend quality time with them and feed them spiritually. Actions speak louder than words! Most people want to see their child succeed but part of their success comes from the love and support of their parents. I want my son to go far in life and I will be on the sidelines cheering him on throughout his life. I know this specific blog bounced from one thing to another but I don't care. My heart is hurting. I am grieving for people I don't even know. I agree with the media that something must be done....but placing fear into those who are listening is not the way to do it.

She has worth....

It has been placed on my heart to write about the worth of a woman. I don't want this to sound like a rant or some sort of feminist rights kind of thing. But this will come straight from the heart. A good friend of mine came to me lately saying that an ex-flame basically called her fat & his voice is ringing in her ears saying "You're fat" over & over again. So what does she do? She runs. She exercises. She's more conscious of what she is eating. First of all, this woman is a beautiful woman of God. She is healthy, smart, funny and wonderful. She does not need to take that sort of abuse. Ultimately, she has to decide whether or not to listen to the lies that Satan is feeding her using someone she once loved to be the instigator in this situation. I pray for her every day to be able to overcome this pain. In my lifetime, I've dealt with plenty of self-esteem issues. I've felt all sorts of negative feelings over body image and feeling like I'm not worthy of the love of those around me. I remember when I was a teenager thinking "If I dress this way or if I acted that way, then he'd like me!" The lies of the enemy can be so controlling that it could really mess you up. Ladies, you were made by the hands of an awesome God. You are beautiful in His eyes and that is all that matters. You are captivating. We come in all shapes and sizes and we shouldn't compare ourselves to those around us. Beauty comes from within. Let the inner you truly shine. Don't EVER let your smile fade because of some negative feedback from someone who is most likely feeling bad about themselves. People project their inner yuckiness onto those whom they think are weaker than them. Laugh it off and move on. Pray for that person. It took me many years to push past the negative feelings I was feeling about myself. I got connected with some ladies that were going through similar "life lessons" that I was going through (my LifeGroup), I started making changes in my daily routine, I focused on things that were not about me and I started reading my bible & reading a devotional daily. Then those negative feelings just went away. I'm not saying that I don't have a bad day here & there. Those days do happen & they suck but when you know your worth, you know you can overcome any negativity. I know that if someone doesn't like me for who I really am, then they aren't worth having around. If someone wants to throw their anger & ugliness at me, I pray for them because I figure they are only throwing it out because it is eating them from the inside out. It is written in the Bible that we need to pray for our enemies. It can be difficult to do but we need to forgive them so that we can all have peace in our hearts. Pray for blessings.

To Regret Or Not To Regret.....

Someone yesterday asked me if I regretted anything in my past. I started to say that I regretted meeting my son's father but then I changed my mind because if I hadn’t have met him, I wouldn’t have my son. I also wanted to say I regretted getting married to my ex but I changed my mind on that one, too, because I learned a huge lesson about life, love & trust.

There are many times in our past that we could say 'I regret this' but did you learn a good life lesson with your experience? Did you grow as a person? Are you stronger now? I refuse to live with any regrets. Every little thing that I have gone through has made me a stronger woman. If the exes hadn't have broken my heart, I wouldn't have leaned on God for strength. I wouldn't have learned that I am worthy of a love that is unconditional. They taught me how men shouldn't treat women. Sure, they had their good qualities but they weren't there to build me up, encourage me & lead our home. I don't want to say anything bad about them. I want to thank them for what they did because those experiences opened my eyes to a whole new world. A world that is full of possibilities. Yes, I struggle but that is when I call out to Jesus & He lifts me up. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phil. 4:13).

I’m happy to be 30 because I could put my 20’s behind me & not look back. They were just as difficult if not more difficult than my teenage years.

Daydream Believer

It's that time of the afternoon where my brain says "I'm done!" and my body says "It's naptime!"...yet I sit here at my desk with a blank look on my face as I stare at my computer screen. I am exhausted. Only 30 minutes left of work and then it's off to chase my 2 year old around the house.

I want more energy. Work is slow...which makes the mind wander. I hate the feeling of panic that overcomes me when I have nothing to do. It's rather silly once I think about it but it happens sometimes. Worry is such a horrible fear. It shouldn't even be there but it creeps in every once in a while. Maybe just to say hello but it's not ever welcomed. Ugh.

My lil man comes home tonight after visiting his daddy for 2 nights. Boy have I missed him! The house is too quiet when he's not around. And the floor is too clean & clutter-free when he's gone. I actually miss stepping on his toys. It may sound silly but it's true. He is my world!

The joys of terrible two's!

Rough start to what I pray is going to be an outstanding day! My son decided that he didn't want to go to daycare this morning. After fighting him for 10 minutes just to get him in his car seat (kicking, crying & screaming!), I finally got him buckled in. He cried the whole 15 minute drive to daycare. He has been testing all of those who care for him lately. Yesterday, he decided not to help put up his bedding at daycare by turning his back on his sitter. He sat down and rebelliously said "No!" to her after numerous attempts to get him to help out. My little helper saying "no!" doesn't sound right. He's always been willing & ready to help out so this came as a shocker to me. I know this week has been busy. Very busy. He was with his dad for two days, then when he was supposed to be home with me, I worked an extra shift at work (because Christmas is coming up....) so he spent the evening with his Pa & Gran but came home with me for the night. The next day, we had church. Then the next day (last night) I had class so he got to spend more time with Pa & Gran. I promised him that tonight would be mommy/baby night with no distractions. I plan to put my phone in another room so that we won't have the distraction of calls or angry birds. My heart belongs with my little man. He is all I've ever dreamed of! I pray that this little bout will go quickly. I want this year to be known as more of a 'Terrific Two' instead of a terrible two. I wanted to cry after I dropped him off this morning. I know that he is in good hands but I want to be home with him today. Single parenting is a tough job & when your child acts out due to one thing or another, it can be so painful. I will not plan so many activities in one week EVER again! My boy needs me.

Be still & Know He is God!

I woke up in a yucky mood this morning. After the awesome events last night ('Engage' event at church), this was something I knew would happen. The enemy attacked me from all sides...just to try to tear me down. It didn't last long though. He has nothing on my God! Today has been a busy day at work...typing, organizing, putting on my headphones to focus. Thankfully, Pandora put together a great playlist of worship songs for me today. In that, I found time for quietness & silent worship. I don't think those in my office would have enjoyed my singing so I praised my Jesus quietly. The verse Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God" came to mind today. In all the busyness of my workplace, I didn't notice it today. Even though I was working, my mind was elsewhere. I feel a greater peace now. Uplifted, if you will. Life has changed a lot recently. I've lost friends for one reason or another. No real answer other than I am not the same person I was a year ago. Geez, I'm not the same person I was a month ago. My views are different. My thoughts are different. I am 'weird' now. If that's the term you want to use. I don't mind being 'weird'. It's a God weird so it's cool. I don't mind not having the same friends I used to. The relationships I have now are growing...& they are helping me grow spiritually. I have never felt this good before in my whole life. I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life today. I am blessed.

Back to Blogging....

Thanks to a good friend of mine, I am re-joining the blogging world. Putting my thoughts out on the internet....get ready world! Here I come! Having a two year old is one of the most fun, stressful things. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he even makes me cry sometimes. I wouldn't trade him in for the world though. He is my everything. I've been wondering lately how someone could ever neglect their own child. My son is my heart walking outside of my body. My love for him is deeper than any love I've ever felt or given. I feel lead to somehow do something about neglected children in this world. I don't know how or what I'll do just yet but I will pray about it.